Mundane Nothings

It's been so long!

2011-11-22T20:52:00.002+08:00

Too long! I'm still surviving. In fact, I need to scream out and say, I survived another full year! Yes, that was a scream. Another year beckons but that can wait for when my vacation re-moulds me. *winks*

On a happy note now, or rather, happier note, if you haven't already figured how delirious I'm about to get (rare moment), Sher Lin's getting married in less than a month! I know this doesnt come as a surprise because we have always predicted that she was gonna be the first amongst us, to get married. True enough! Next in line, my bet's on Asilah. *shhh* I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this blog, so let this just be a secret between you and I.

We'll see ya. Till the next nudge. So long sweet sunshine.

Stop and think.

2011-06-29T00:26:00.004+08:00

In need of that. I need to quite literally stop and think. This bit is kinda time-consuming and a downer at some point hence I deliberately not wanna embark on that during my very short break. Yes, too short to be called a break if I consider the sleepless nights I had, reluctantly thinking about the prospect of heading back to a shit-load of work. So, I'm doing that screeching to a halt bit and then take some time out to sort out my action plan in order to stay afloat. I'm feeling the sting from the toxicity that's inevitably around me. Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Perhaps, not. You see where I am heading with this...no where.

I need to constantly remind myself that what people think of me should not matter. What they say too, should not matter. I need to stay independent because that's just who I am. I work best alone. I need to stop frowning because other than speeding up my aging process, it does not yield any benefits whatsoever. I need to stop thinking about other people and perhaps be a little selfish and put myself first. The first half of the year has taught me that if I do not see to my needs and welfare, no one else will. The workplace is nothing like home. At least, I have my parents to molly-coddle me at times when I need that most. Not so at the workplace.

Truth be told, I am beginning to despise my job. Like I've said earlier I love the kids but 'adult' part of the job just puts me off. I need time to hone my teaching skills, to collect and create teaching materials in order to have a well-engaged lesson plan. My status quo does not allow me to do so because I need to ensure that the level progresses at a pace prescribed by the people up there. People who do not feel the woes and pain we, the 'bottom' people face.

People behave differently depending on what they need and how useful you are to them. Among this breed, the lot that intrigues me the most includes the ones who are not hindered by humility. I am baffled by how much they can talk about themselves like they are really that great. Even if they were great, their greatness dwindles manifold merely due to the fact that big-yaps erodes the novelty of one's perceived greatness.

I've said a lot. I shall stop here and observe more. Perhaps being a wallflower suits me best afterall.

One thing for sure, I'm not staying here for long.

When I say Geo, You say Caching...Geo!

2011-05-09T20:57:00.005+08:00

Yes yes, election is over ya da ya da ya da, Singaporeans really talk more than they vote. Heh. Pappy still makes up more than the majority of the 87 seats. Bla bla bla. I'm sorry, I see no point in ranting on about something that is not going to bring any change at all. Yes, I am a Bimbo and I couldn't careless.

On to cooler stuff, today marks my first experience with the notion of Geocaching! I loved every moment of it. Seriously, where was I all these eleven years? This is a beautiful, authentic hunting game that allows people to move around with an aim. A mission. A reason. It's just what I needed. Suddenly my life takes shape. Suddenly I see a purpose in life. Suddenly...ok I am being a tad dramatic now, pardon me. Hee. I need to first thank Irene for having introduced this potentially addictive (not in a facebook kinda way) activity to me. Im doing my part in spreading the word. My sisters are now captivated by this idea too. Hehe. What makes it wonderful is that I could integrate my photo-whoring tendencies into what shall I call it, my Hunt!

My first Small Cache! I found tucked at some discreet place in SG. The satisfaction derived from it is just surreal. I'm not gonna even attempt to word out the sheer motivation you'd be struck with after that first discovery. It's like, you then thirst for more. Insane. :)

And so we search for planted caches around and when we find it, we log our identity on it and for me theres an additional step to that... We take Happy Pictures~

There'll be more of this. Also, another event I've added to my to-do list, walking back home from central Singapore. :) Dun laff la...I'll do it dammit!

We found this abandon building along the Singapore River. It was in my favourite colour. So how can I resist a shot.

Anyways (yes I am acting cute, so sue me!), today has made me a happier person.

BTW, my sudden burst of anger is a direct effect of reading random tweets in tweetland. I've gathered that people are just blatantly rude and some things just should be filtered before it reaches other people. From potential combustion of black people (sic) to how some people feel that bimbos have no right to tag their tweets with #sgelections because really only these creme de la creme of the academic world have the right to do so. Now, its been a while since I last said this but with all seriousness...Fuck you!

I shall avoid that place. Probably in a matter of time, I'll ditch it along with where my Facebook account is at.

I've said enough. I'm out! ;)

Sit and stare

2011-05-02T13:01:00.002+08:00

Most of the time, I'd snap into sleep-mode and waste my life away. This ailment is seriously spinning out of control. It devours a good chunk of my life and I'm usually left with so little time to fulfill my everyday commitments. I'm still searching for ways to mitigate the current status quo where sleep dominates it. It is not as though I planned for it to happen, it's just that, it happens whether I like it or not. Perhaps, its because my dreams seem more attractive than my reality. *shrugs* Whatever the cause may be, I need to snuff it out.

1st goal: To break up with my sleep.

With that out, I shall move on to other current stuff. Like perhaps the news that Osama has been killed. I do not know how credible that is, coz seriously there are so many ppl out there (in the afghan region) who actually look like this fellar. So how true is this? I'm not willing to bet my last penny on it. It got me wondering though, with his very untimely death, would that rile his people up? Would they then me galvanised to blitzkrieg their way across places known to have US citizens in sheer retaliation? Would they plan another vicious attack on touristy places say, Bali for instance? God forbid! Coz I've already booked my flight and hotel to Bali for my coming June vacation! Argh. Untimely indeed. Now I'll just have to sit and pray for goodness and forgiveness to fill the hearts of these terrorists...

The SG election is up in like 5 days. It's been one of the most dramatic pre-elections I have ever encountered. Not that I've encountered many. But still, you get the drift. With only one GRC getting a walkover, the other 14 GRCs and 12 SMCs are fighting for their place in the parliament, it doesn't get any more interesting. And guess what, I get to vote! Yes, a virgin voter. I love that status quo. Rallies were never this exciting. People start questioning, like they never did. People start wearing colours other than white. People start brandishing objects that are far more tangible than a bolt of lighting. People start yelling and chanting names of political parties that don't sound obscene when placed before the word 'smear'. People are finally talking. But will they walk the talk? We'll know in 5 days...

As for me, I know SDA's not getting my vote. They haven't impressed me at all. It would be different though, if I lived in Nee Soon or Aljunied or Hougang or...the list goes on. ;)

"Justice is served, the head of al-Qaeda is dead."

Just saw this on twitter. Couldn't help but shake my head in despair. Seriously, justice is served? What about the death toll from the stupid military strategies put in place by our dear Bushy Bush. Shouldn't he pay for the lives taken in his battle of pride too?

An eye for an eye and everybody's left blind.

Howdy there, I'm still here.

2011-03-22T23:01:00.003+08:00

Yes I am. (Un)Fortunately, I am not dead yet. Apparently work and condescending words do not kill. I thought they would, hell I wished they would. I am down to the last three-quarters of the year. Thats what I call optimism. Life has been a whole heap of unhappiness, actually work has been that. However, those tiny moments when I could muster the discipline to ditch the thought of work, those seemed more blissful than it used to be. I guess the theory of relativity operates at its optimum level when work breathes down your neck. Nonetheless, the pain makes the joy sweeter. Does that make any sense at all? If it doesn't then it makes more sense, I'm battered.

Nevermind me. I'm just dropping by to breathe some life into my intangible, therapeutic space. I'm still here and I still have my voice. :) I hope you people are in a better place. Hearts.

Rant!

2011-01-17T21:16:00.003+08:00

Someone should come up with a musical with that as the title. A neverending musical. 2010 came and went, I'm still where I was. Standing here in the pouring rain, waiting for that Royal carriage to come to a halt before me. With arms outstretched, the divine royal one then hurls me into his carriage and into the abyss of bliss, I fall, where happiness reigned for all eternity...

Dream on.

2011 has been quite a pain, thus far. I am sure it's not about to get any better, but what can I do about it? Na da. Not a thing. No matter how hard I try, there is bound to be something or someone horrible that would crop up. Work, is my greatest worry this year. Work and not having enough fun. I have always been contented with the fact that I am able to not compromise my hedonistic wants yet, still be able to deliver the 'goods'. I am so afraid that the job I have signed myself to is about to stifle me. I find myself thinking about work, even on a beautiful Saturday morning. My weekends are spent contemplating the week's worth of work and what I shoulda/oughta/coulda done over the last weeks. This is bad. I am not going to even attempt to defend my actions. It is not what I would sincerely like to do. I used to enjoy the experience I get from teaching. My contract years left me smiling at the end of the day as I saw my kids out of the classroom doors with their homework and the days worth of learning all stashed in the bottom of their ginormous bags. "Goodbye, Have a NICE day", they would say. The 1pm bell rang and I smiled. My heart at ease, and I call it a day.

Gone were those days. The 1pm bell no longer had that soothing effect on me. It now serves as a painful reminder. The real work begins. The job prior to 1pm is still beautiful though. The kids, their antics, the constant nagging (mostly on my part), the occasional burst of exasperation (again, on my part), the cheeky pranks, the playtime, the mass silent reading, the exodus to the school canteen and the list goes on. I love these parts. Call me crazy, I even secretly love the mad race to the finishing line of the week's worth of syllabus. It is fun. However, the very moment I hear the 1pm bell, my heart sinks. For it is time I become an adult again. Working with adults, responding to adult demands, making adult choices.

And that is a snapshot of my 2011.

I have no other option but to rant here, just to keep my sanity in check. Of course, the power of visual aids should never be undermined as well. When the going gets tough, the tough watches porn, or anything empowered to bring a wet-panty moment. :)

Gambatte.

Singapore's not that bad I guess...

2010-09-20T18:42:00.009+08:00

Hari Raya came and went...It's now the 2nd week of the 4th term already which essentially means that I have like 8 weeks left to survive and if all goes smoothly, I'll be off on my trip out of SG by the 2nd week of December!! Hurrah! See, I told you it was gonna cruise by ever so swiftly :) I loike.

Anyways, I am now officially in love with my Gian Carlo. He is amazing. He makes me happy when I am down and those shots he captures, I oh-so love the colours! It's that time of the year again, the Mid-Autumn Festivities doled out a massive landscape of colours and lights for us all to take in and armed with Gian Carlo, we prowled the streets of Chinatown and its proximity for stuff that are worthy of being captured and kept as keepsakes. :)

Here are some that excite my senses...

I love this shot. Damn, I'm really that good.

Hehe. I'm better off out of here, before I start saying things I'd regret. :) Cheers people!

My sudden craving...

2010-09-12T13:26:00.000+08:00

DSC06855.JPG

Inevitable Geylang visit...

2010-08-15T17:02:00.005+08:00

My first ride on the Circle Line.

My 1st day...

2010-08-11T23:01:00.004+08:00

My kolong blok.

Its the first day of the fasting month, and I'm dead beaten. I should get used to this by the end of the week... I hope. I can't remember much about my day, perhaps coz I spent most of it in bed. Snoozing keeps the urge to sin at bay. I'm supposed to be marking my kids' work. I knew I shouldn't have given them that much work over the long weekend. Bleah.

Oh well, its week 7 already. I'm almost there. Right?

I was just wondering, is it just me, Im convinced it's just me. I've carelessly discarded the very need to assess 'prior knowledge' and the whole 'tuning-in' aspect of my lessons. It's so pivoted on drill and practice that I feel like the most mundane in the school. I need to buck up! RICH Lesson next week. I shall bring out my ammo? And what's that? Well, I have the weekends to figure that part out. Haiz. I really don't wanna be boring. :(

Look who I found while at the supermarket!?

That's right, a stray cat! A pregnant one, mind you. Ok, I sense your lack of excitement. Bleargh. I was hoping Bella would look straight into my lens, but she didn't. And yes, I instantly named her. Her regal pose makes Bella the most appropriate name for her. See, I really want a cat, without the messy pooping spectacle.

The playground I never really got to play at...

In case you haven't already noticed, I'm really loving Gian Carlo very much! :) Muacks...

Silent bitchings.

2010-08-10T22:35:00.004+08:00

And tomorrow I will not need to have breakfast or lunch. I know for sure my grumpiness will increase manifolds. It shouldn't be too bad. And lately, I've been seeing a lot of really irksome facebook updates that elicits even more irksome responses. Here's one of many more to come. I'm not even gonna bother with the censoring of names. Seriously, fuck it.

Talk about senseless stereotypes. I'll delete this post when I feel guilt-ridden, which by the way is unlikely to happen.

Anyways, Happy Fasting people!

2010-08-09T12:58:00.000+08:00

Oh...and here's a...

Happy 45th Birthday Singapore!

Just another Monday...

2010-08-09T12:35:00.003+08:00

Not!

I woke up at 11am today, not bothering with a bath, headed for the living room where I left my D90 the night before. It was still there. Pleading silently for me to stick the battery in. My impulses are too strong to be subdued.

And a new hobby is kick started. We'll see how long it'll last!

Let's keep this entry short.

Kids really say the darndest things,

2010-08-06T18:34:00.002+08:00

They do!

Here are a few incidents that got me in stitches.

During basketball practice:

Kid: Cher! My ball is rolling away...My ball is rolling away!!!

Teacher1 looks at Teacher2...and then breaks into laughter...

During assembly:

Kid: (Flipping through the official World Cup 2010 Sticker book)

Teacher: I do not want to see that book in my class. You know I really love soccer right. If I see it, it shall be mine, permanently...You understand?

Kid: Ok. I will give it to you after I've collected all the stickers k?

Teacher: ...Huh?...

In a classroom during the first period...Teacher was collecting homework from the kids. Now, the kids were told the previous day that, their homework was supposed to be the 'passport' to the day's lessons. No homework= no lesson for them ( so they'd have to 'park' themselves outside class).

Kid: cher, my mother said that the Passport is a very important document.

Teacher: Exactly, so without it, you can't stay in class.

Kid: But my mother said I cannot bring the passport to school. Maybe I could photocopy it.

Teacher: @_@

_____________________________________

Sometimes, you just gotta take things out of context...

Twisted me.

2010-08-06T17:01:00.004+08:00

"Honey, I'm home!"

I came home to an empty house today and that was the first thing I said. I have always wanted to utter those words, it's just that I never actually got in a situation where it applies. But today, for some weird reason, I spurt it out and guess what?... Guess la!

Yes, it felt so damn good!!! Like something that was supposed to be let lose finally got its chance to be liberated. Like a fart that has always wanted to be one with the local air. Cool right? My analogies are becoming more blatant. A sign of an impending onslaught of trigger-happy moments.

Anyways, I bought my ticket to Fried Rice Paradise. Finally. I had to give in to catching it on T-day coz all the slots I wanted were fully booked. Like what the hell? So now, I'll be stuck in the same hall with a whole lotta teachers (Read: EWE), breathing the same air, laughing at the same things, clapping at the same curtain call. So much for wanting to stash my occupation into obscurity. Oh well...

This reminds me...

To Jeffrey, the guy who gave us a pretty preppy talk during our induction week, _|_. I do not want the world to know what I do for a living, but that is not to say that I am not proud of it. I will not yell my occupation out across the table and I will be very silent about it. Again, that is not to say that I am not proud of it. I have my moments. There are times when I thank god for having nudged me in this direction, there are also times when I look up in the sky and scream for god to pluck me off this earth. Whether I choose to tell ppl what I do for a living or not, is my choice and it has nothing to do with liking or not liking my status quo. Your words are ringing in my head as I type this out, I am silently wishing for us to cross paths again, this time perhaps on a personal level, ie, just you and me. So I could spit my two cents worth into your face, with just two words.

There you go, I feel better already.

Happy Sunday!

2010-08-01T13:18:00.000+08:00

Got my 50 bucks back.

2010-07-31T17:54:00.003+08:00

You know, when Inception first opened here, I noticed a hike in the number of FB status raving about its awesomeness. I'd roll my eyes. I mean, seriously, how awesome can a one-word-titled movie be? Little did I know, I was sooo wrong. I accidentally caught the movie last night, thanks to me really bored sis, and boy was I blown away. I walked out of the cinema, thinking of what I'd have for my personal Totem. Whoosh. I'm still trying to figure that part out though. Christopher Nolan, bless your heart!

I finally managed to return that silly graduation gown and yes I got my fifty bucks back, without even having to utter a single word. It was nice, especially on a day when I really didn't feel like talking. Hailed a cab, which by the way took damn long to come. I had to wait like for an hour before I finally spotted a cab. At that instant I seriously contemplated just bidding that fifty bucks away. Like perhaps, I could just burn the gown and derive some twisted level of satisfaction from it, but no, the money won me over. So there I was, hopped into the taxi, I uttered the name of the place and instantly the driver knew where it was. Phew. Coz I didnt. It was kinda funny though, how the uncle was convinced that I was headed there to return my wedding gown. Heh. Evidently, I don't make it apparent enough that I have little or no intentions in changing my relationship status. Still very much in love with myself. Anyways, as soon as I got to that studio, swing the door open, looked around, headed for the nearest counter, the guy silently took out my gown from the paper bag, checked the sucker and then handed me my fifty bucks. It was...peaceful... not wanting to break the moment, I took the money smiled and left, without uttering a single 'thank you.' I felt rude, but that only lasted for a split-second. If only my days could be like that. Blissful silence.

I'm feeling lazy.

I'm so not tripping like I should...

2010-07-29T21:07:00.004+08:00

I need a wardrobe overhaul. I want long, flowy skirts. Loads of them. I want long hair that could dance in the wind. I want to be able to wrap my hair in a bun and have flowers stuck in it, don't ask. Its my current fling. Flowers. I want to be able to walk around, barefoot. Again, don't ask, it must be the innate amazonian tendencies in me set in motion by my status quo. I want to be made. Ok, re-made. I need a change. We'll see how much I'm willing to invest in that.

My status quo. What is it again? My big, like really big boss handed me a letter from the Bigger than big boss. It says that I'm a Geo 1.1. Whatever that is. I didn't want to read that letter but the words "1 year of probation" caught my attention. And it didnt help that my bosses were telling me how I'm now "legal." Now that, mind you, isn't as good as it used to sound. You know how when you were 15, you can't wait to reach 16 coz that makes you bloody well "legal" yeah. Its like a bloody big whoop somehow. And then when you reach 16 you realise the only damn good thing about it is that you could now watch shows rated NC-16. Thats about it. Oh and you can have sex 'legally' but you still can't drink. Which by the way doesn't make much sense. Tell me now, which one gives you a higher high? Ok don't. Maybe its a way of curbing your 'high'. Coz everyone knows alcohol and sex complement each other. Perhaps THEY know it. And they also know that too much of smtg sooo damn good is bad for us. Debauchery. Sinful, so THEY had to do smtg to curb the indulgence, hence the legal age. Now where was I?

Oh yes, my newfound "legal" status, though not in the sense of age and its limitations. It bears the same concept. Nothing wonderful about being a "legal" educator (for lack of a better word). It just leaves me straddling that line between two very distinct personae (I just wanted to use this word, it helps that its apt in my context *winks*). I've inevitably, though more accurately, unconsciously constructed two identities that are worlds apart. It also doesn't help that I just can't seem to find a common link between both that could possibly make my switch seamless. Work and play. The imbalance is taking a toll on me. I need both, though, more of the latter. I need time to psyche myself into believing that it is ok, normal even, to have identities that you switch in and out of at different points of the day. It is ok. And if I don't, I'll be too caught up trying to perfect one while the other deteriorates and disappears with a part of me. And THATS what I'm fucking feeling right now! This is my Aha moment by the way. I've been trying to figure out why I can't seem to breathe easy when I'm at work, and this ladies and gentlemen is the very reason for that. Too caught up, worrying my pretty head over the possibilities and impossibilities of work to the point where I neglect my other wants, needs rather. Needs. I need to have time to laugh and just smile as the world walks me by.

I'm sure time and a mighty long weekend will nudge me back in shape.

I need the beach. Theres nothing the beach can't heal.

Not dead.

2010-07-17T21:30:00.003+08:00

No, I didnt die. Unfortunately so.

I think I'm a boring teacher. I have an uncanny ability to make everything sound really mundane. It doesnt help that the school's computer is running on some ancient operating system that is super slow and it doesnt support most of the fancy fonts and animations. Not that, THAT would spice up my ever boring lessons. Its frustrating. I can't help but feel lousy.

Gue maunya kelas yang sederhana aja. Enggak mau yang punya anak2 yang terlalu pandai lagi bijaksana. Gue stress dibuatnya. Semuanya sok tau aja. Gawat!

Blearh.

On a happier note, I've got my Hongkong-Korea trip settled. Yeah, no Christmassy-Japan, coz I couldn't possibly spend Christmas without the family. I'd feel miserable. :)

:D I can't wait till the end of the year! Hmm... 3 weeks down so 17 more weeks to go! Yeah~

I'm convinced I'm dying...!

2010-07-14T21:29:00.002+08:00

And I'll say that again...I'm really convinced.

That's what the presence of blood tends to generate. Hematuria. Like a lot! You know, suddenly I wish all that is coming out of my V instead of elsewhere. I know, this potentially gonna be a lewd post that i'd probably regret at some point in the coming days. The hell, but that where the 'delete post' option comes in. Nonetheless, I have this dire need in me to let this all out so that I won't end up weeping in my sleep and then not wake up again and then regretting not leaving any trace of my existence behind. I know, I'm being overwhelmingly dramatic, but I'm not me without some drama sprinkled on ya. I don't mean to sound like Ris Low, I just naturally punctuate my sentences with a 'ya' and hell, I started doing that way before her!

Back to the matter at hand.

I'm dying. I'm no doctor, but if I were to guess I think it's stone in the bladder. *shrugs* Hmm, if it is, I want to keep the kidney stones. Maybe even get a hole done through it/them and have it made into a pendant. It'll be cool. A bloody reminder. I hope it's turquoise in colour. This isn't going the way it's supposed to be, is it?

I'm supposed to be dying!

Oh well, if I live another day, you'll see another regrettable entry. ;)

Till then...

Building woes...

2010-07-12T00:14:00.004+08:00

Its really funny how things turn out, when you just couldn't give a rat's ass about planning anymore. Surprisingly good. The irony of all ironies. Perhaps sometimes its good to be reckless. Just dive into things. Don't think, just do it. Or wait for things to happen and then take a step along and follow through.

Life at the workplace is bearable. Thus far. I am drained by the time I get home, but I can still find my way home, so yeah. It is bearable. I just hope I could plan more lessons instead of embarking entirely on this insane syllabus chase. I hate these mindless giving out and collecting of worksheets. I wanna put a halt to it but I know it is beyond my control. I need to part-take in this paper rush, whether I like it or not. Damn it! And the marking, isn't supposed to be this overwhelming, is it? Perhaps, I've lost my stamina for marking. Great, now I'm making up excuses.

Investiture is next week and it our presence is made mandatory. Sucks. It's a Thursday for heaven's sake! I don't think I'm even gonna enjoy dinner, thereafter. So shitty. I hate being me, right now.

Alas, I've got no choice, suck it up and trudge on...

Big Plans, Little me.

2010-06-25T21:29:00.002+08:00

The plan was to ditch you. Yes, you. I was going to just abandon you because I thought that this other medium called Twitter was gonna suffice. I was wrong. Whats new right? So here I am, grovelling for your mercy. Take me back!

Yes? Ok. That was easy. *winks*

I had a blast, before today. Everything was more perfect than I pictured it to be. The Sun wasn't as vicious as I thought it would be and the guys at the beach had more chiselled six-packs than the ones I imagined. It was beautiful. The food was great, the people were all smiles and even the trees were beckoning for us. It was splendid. I only saw these moments in my dreams prior to this. Perhaps sometimes, when he wants to, God can be really nice. And Sanur was awesome. It was so good, I could actually picture myself having hot languid you know what on the shores of its beach. Speaking of you know what, I think my airplane-toilet you know what has been rekindled. *grins*

My primate urges. I rest my case.

So I never really concluded my Practicum phase. Well it came and went and I passed and I'm done with it and now I'm gonna start teaching for real. Like not those shit-ass micro teaching that rattles me inside out. Its the real deal now. Haiz. You'll hear from me soon enough with all the bitching that I would have accumulated during my 'working' hours. I have a feeling my life isn't gonna be very rosy. I shall take comfort in the fact that I have decided to spend Christmas in Japan this year and I will be needing the rest of the year for my thorough planning of my much awaited sojourn in the land where I'm supposed to be lost in Translation! Yeehaww! (So inept, i know, but wth, Im running out of expressions so bear with me) I got my parental approval, next, P's approval. Such is life... Approvals... Blearh, Bob Marley's laughing at me. So much for the emancipation of oneself from whatever slavery.

What am I gonna do?

I turned 25 yesterday. SO now I can scream the lyrics of "Whats Up" and sing it like I fucking mean it!

Double yay!

:) I'm out! My ramblings have lost its structure. I think its a good thing, considering all the other unnecessary structure erected at the wrong places in my life. Ok, im out...for real! Till another bad day comes along. ;)

Tickle me silly.

2010-06-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

-Harold & Kumar...

This made me laugh. Not the hyena shrilly kinda laugh. Just the hearty, dame-like, proper laugh with appropriate hand gestures, you know the one with the fingers covering the mouth...Yes, THAT kinda laugh. Funny shit. :)

Still high...

2010-05-21T00:13:00.005+08:00

Ok, where should I even begin!

So I've had this planned out since like, practicum. It was one of the plays that instantly spoke to me. When I saw it being listed on SISTIC's website, I was like, "I NEED to watch that." Alas, no one wanted to go. Bluek. So ultimately, I decided to go for it alone only to find out that my sister was also catching the play, with her NIE mates. We were seated separately though. So technically, I was alone. Heh. And I loved it. Seriously.

So, I got my green lenses today (allow me to digress for a bit ya) and I could have sworn, green lenses and high heels empowers me! For real, I felt like I could take on the world! Like Sayuri possessed me. Yes, that chick from Memoirs of the Geisha for the uninitiated. Sheesh.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. My evening was exceptionally good (I say its the green eyes and heels ). A marginally good looking dude sat beside me on the train. And then there was this hot prawnball at the escalator at Bugis MRT. And then there was this chinese dude who stopped in his tracks and made way for me to pass him. I felt like royalty. Its definitely the green eyes.

My sis then went off to have dinner with her friends while I headed for the Drama Centre. I was obviously early. I'm always early for things like this. It keeps my mind clear and uncluttered. Don't ask. Anyways, you can tell that I'm deliberately lengthening this could-have-been really short post. :) I'm savouring it. :) Right so I had dinner at the cafe outside the theatre while waiting for the SISTIC booth to open. And I saw a few of the cast there. I got a little excited, but still managed to remain calm.

Anyways, a while later, I got my ticket and bought the printed copy of Haresh's play which was the one i was gonna watch la, Those who can't, Teach. And the lady who was selling it then casually told me, I could get it autographed when I see him around. And I was like, yah ok... Like I'm gonna go up to him and have him autograph my book. I've got too much pride for all that.

So it was time to go in. I showed the usher my ticket and headed for my seat. F15. That was what I saw. Online and somehow printed on the damn ticket too. I swore it was F15. And that seat had a sticker pasted over. SO did the rest of the seats which were flanking it. Stickers printed with names of the VIPs who supposedly caught the play the day before. Bah! As I was cosying up in my seat, I spotted the man himself, Haresh Sharma at the right aisle. He was actually trying to locate his seat! GAh! And oh my, he is looking in my direction. Don't look away Vinna, use your Sayuri skills and get him to seat with you! Hahah. Yeah right. Ok no. And then he headed my way...My heart skipped a beat, ok, several beats... He walked up to me and said,:Oh daer, where is F15..." He looked so lost. At that moment, I realised I was actually in the wrong seat! I grabbed my clutch, fished out my ticket and saw a fucking F18 printed on it. I was so mortified. But in that moment of mortification, someone from somewhere at the left shoved a Book at me so I could pass it to the man himself for an autograph. Bingo! Oh well... Hehe, he was kind enough to sit next to me and I can't really remember what I said to him, coz hello, I was nervous just being in his presence man and damn my pride, I got an autograph out of him despite the fact that I didn't even have a pen with me. He had to use his own pen to sign on MY book. People, I'm smitten. And I bid him farewell, apologise and scooted over to my rightful place. :)

And this was the name at my seat.

Haha. The hell. My view.

My very painful shoes that gave me a heap of blisters.

The play then started. It was comforting to know that the people surrounding me were also solo play goers. I wasn't alone. Well, I was alone, but not entirely alone with other people who were alone. Get it? Nvm.

I knew this play was going to be an eye-opener, a sheer awakening, profound, compelling and it was nothing short of that. It echoes the sentiments and plight of teachers and at the same time, had the woes of students and parents woven in. It was simply astounding how I was able to laugh ever so heartily at some point and then teared at others. It tugs at your heartstrings and tickles your funny bones. It was amazing. It was like manifesting the tacit thoughts of most teachers and even teachers to be.

My favourite line from the play...

Act 1 Scene 1:

LIM, the new PE teacher: NIE fucked me up! It didn't prepare me for school life.

Something I can definitely relate to, considering the fact that I just finished my practicum. Bleah. And how scholars are perceived within the teaching fraternity. Heh. I could kinda see some of their antics in school. ;) Hope it isn't true for all ya. Heheh.

Oh, and I noticed something, my idea to hold a wedding at the National Museum has been promulgated in the play. Need to now find a different venue for that.

So now, my take aways?

The play should be included in our Induction Program. Period. ;)

Heres the autographed book! Ahhhh! I'm still squealing in delight.

Football! Football! Tomorrow. can't wait! Ciao!

My 400th.

2010-05-19T12:30:00.003+08:00

I stroked his pallid cheeks as he looked right through me. His eyes were brimming with tears and I could tell he was in so much pain. I wanted to help him but I did not know how. His chapped lips started to twitch. He needed to say something but he did not have the strength to cough out a single word. I held his slender fingers, they were cold and they scared me. I knew I was losing him...

And that was when I woke up. I could literally feel the coldness in my hand when I was jolted back to life! Imagine this:Waking up with your vision blurred up and convinced that you are going blind because for that moment you kinda forgot you just had a dream and that your eyes are welling up with tears. So drama, I know. Drama always happens to me. -_-
I've had nightmares, sweet dreams (oh yes, with a Maserati in it), happy dreams, prophetic dreams of the future, wishful-thinking sorta dreams (no, no wet dreams), but never a Sad dream. This was the first of its kind. It leaves me unsettled and it pretty much explains why I am still tossing, turning and and still jumping around in bed at this supposedly lunch-time hour. Emotionally draining. So vague, so unexpected, so appalling. What am I supposed to do? Who is that guy? He must have mattered to me right? Why is he in pain? Who am I to him? It was so, intimate and I don't do intimacy. It's...argh... frustrating to be placed in such an intangibly (coz its not even real, rite?) vulnerable position.

Now, what am I gonna do today? Bleargh. I wanna stay in bed.

But no, the mother is rattling on and on about how teenage girls should not stay in bed this long. I think she forgot. I've long passed the teenage stage...

I shall brood today.

A conundrum

2010-05-11T18:05:00.003+08:00

Modern-day educated females leave me baffled and gasping for the right words to lucidly describe their peculiar behaviour.

I am obscenely appalled by the latest web of bull-shitty female behaviour I've had to put up with. This coming from the females who are supposedly educated, you know, considering the fact that they are able to reel in a stable income. *rolls eyes*

A minor comment on a social networking site on a now former friend's profile actually ticked the other-half off. And now I'm in for an epic onslaught of hate. I got booted off his friend's list and not by him, mind you. A friend off my list doesn't leave a dent on my pride, seriously. It's the very reason or lack of reason behind that act that actually grosses me out. And it also got me thinking, if marriage is about having your spouse annex your privacy, regardless of whether its your tangible space or virtual space, then the very institution of marriage will not work for me. In fact, it disgusts me.

Usually, when I'm faced with marital woes, I'd look at my parents for a solution. Not this time though. They don't have accounts on social networking sites. Hence, liberated from the need to confront the problem I have unconsciously caused. I'm no marriage/relationship-breaker and I don't intend to be anything close to that. The only solution I see is therefore to take 20 steps back turn left and leave through the door I came in from. Oh well, that means keeping my distance and gradually lengthening it to a point where I disappear.

And indeed, it is a lesson learned. I need to diminish my online presence.

Maybe I should just learn to shut up.

I really do wanna change my name.

2010-05-04T22:02:00.002+08:00

World meet Buttercup.

Buttercup meet World.

I actually get a break?

2010-05-04T21:23:00.007+08:00

Hell yeah! 3 weeks! Awesome shit. The only thing thats bugging me is that, why'd they hafta tell us this like so late into the semester. I could have made travel plans man. 3 weeks across Europe! On my own... without my parents consent. Ok, far fetched, but it's worth a dream. Nonetheless, I get 3 weeks of bumming. Hah! I'm gonna savour every damn moment of it. I'm gonna soak myself in utter delirious fun and lose myself in my very own laughter. I'm gonna sit myself at some sidewalk cafe and people watch till my eyes spin. I'm gonna... Yah, you get the drift. Waste my pretty life away, for that gorgeous 3 weeks. YAY! Three cheers for Vinna! Hip Hip Hooray (x3)...

Anyways, this is my last week of practicum and I am going to lick it and chew on it and suck on it with relish! With great delight! Lesson plans can kiss my arse... in a bit, I think.

So now, let me give you, rather let me give myself (I'm convinced now, that no one reads my blog, which is both sad and enlightening, also, my friends have grown out of blogging...*sad*.... and I'm still holding on to this now obsolete avenue for sublimation of incessant woes) a rundown of what I've had to go through in the past couple of weeks.

Well, observations came and went and I am still left standing. Yay. Some days were plaqued with ominous dark clouds while others were so pleasant, I could hear the happy buzzing of the bees in the distance. Ok the make believe bees in the distance.

The girls who made life in school a whole lot better. I really pray and hope that they either get their cross-over, or come back to GSP. Please please pretty please...

The things we do for fun. The paper cutter's blurred out, but all of us swear by it. Especially useful for those last minute manipulatives that are needed a day before a major observation. Bleah. Nerve-wrecking, but awesome fun when you have these two lovelies to help you dole out those lessons.

This was taken after my 2nd and last NSC observation. Liberating. Absolutely liberating. It's like letting out a really long stinky-assed fart, but you know it's like that toxic is out of you and you eventually feel really good. Synonymous to that.

And here's us, acting cute. :)

I have a feeling I'm gonna terribly miss them. It's gonna be really different without them.

On a happier note though, I have a meet-up with my NSC on Monday. I don't know if that's happier but yeah. Hurrah. So that's my end. And now, now, ladies and gentlemen, I shall go back to watching DVDs. The Proposal is on the list for tonight. :)

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...

Massive sadness ey.

2010-05-03T21:48:00.003+08:00

WHEN WE TWO PARTED

by: George Gordon (Lord) Byron (1788-1824)

HEN we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Lond, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

I secret we met--
I silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

In the light of having loud heart-breaks surrounding me...Here's one melancholic piece conjured up by the sickest of romantics in his era. ;) Lord Byron...

Sudden urge.

2010-04-29T18:57:00.006+08:00

Yeah, suddenly felt the strange urge to word things out, before I end up forgetting these salient moments.

I had a funny conversation with my autistic kid today. I was in class and since I'm not teaching, why not walk around and help out with the marking of corrections. I passed this fellow's table and immediately realised he was in his own world. He had his papers tucked under his table and the entire table of his was filled with stationery, quite strategically sprawled out and positioned. I could have ignored him, like I usually would, for the fear of having to handle a flare up...but not today. I had that same urge, I just had to speak to this boy. Because he after all did shock the class once when he decided to raise his hands and participate in a random math quiz I had for the class, not long ago. So yeah, I started asking him, why is it that his worksheets are under his table, really, it was more rhetorical than not. I really anticipated no reply at all. Then he looked up and looked at me for that split second and suddenly spoke. He said his eraser is actually made of magnetic material and it is a battleship. It is fighting against the pencil case, another battle ship. Ok...I thought it would end there, and then he went on. Rambling away about how the fight is turning nasty and stuff, I lost him half way through that. Didn't see a battle, couldn't make out who was winning either. So I asked him," Who was winning the battle?" He looked at me and told me to look at the pencil. Me being me, I actually looked at it. Looked at it for what seemed an eternity and still couldn't figure out who was WINNING? Nevermind that, then I spotted a potentially dangerous item at the edge of his table, a pair of scissors. "Can we keep that? It looks dangerous," I said. Little man then went on to explain that thats the gateway to the battlefield. If he shifts it at some angle (he showed) it would shut the battle field down. I was stunned. I wanted to stay on and listen to more of what unfolds on the battle field. Damn. I told him, the pencil looks tired...and that maybe he should give it a rest...and it's time for him to work on his corrections. Strangely, he actually 'shut' his battlefield down and started work. I frowned, walked away... intrigued...yet at the same time... unsettled...coz I'm still clueless as to who's winning the battle. :(

Before math, I had science lessons. And we used this mouse looking thing with buttons on it. As we flash questions on the board, students can instantly click on their individual 'mouse' and respond to the questions. Now, the cool thing about this is that it is so super-arse real time, I could basically identify students who have not entered their answer. Students are given the 'mouse' with numbers that match their register numbers, so if they have not entered their answer, their register number on the board will not be lighted up. Boy were the kids excited. Actually, truth be told, I was uber-excited too. The wonders of having an ICT HOD for a CT. Bah! Anyways...so they had fun and I had fun watching them have fun. Then we went on to filing and I had a question for them to ponder on. I always do. Actually, this usually is a result of insufficient time, but as it happened a tad too often, its now a habit of mine to leave these P4s with questions that they'd have to find answers on. And today's one was simple, "What are variables and can you think of examples of variables...?" I had their solid attention for most of the lesson so I was taken aback when the class suddenly boomed at me," Easy la! We'll ask your best friend." I was like, "my best friend!" Are they freaking taking me for a ride. I would have gladly ignored such a comment if it was coming from the usual boys, but no, even the nicest girls in the class were saying it too. On the verge of regurgitating a lecture on respect and manners, I then asked, "Who exactly is my best friend?"

They unanimously answered:

.
.
.
.
.
"Google!"

*stunned*

I had actually unconsciously harped on the fact that google was my best friend (a tad too often) and these midgets caught it...and hung on to it. Haiz...I love my kids.

Almost there. (I think)

2010-04-28T21:14:00.007+08:00

6 working days to go...

I'm getting to the end of things. Right?But I'm not going to jinx myself by already reminiscing about my practicum experience (sordid and not so sordid ones) just yet. I'll wait till it actually docks safely at this harbour. I'm still holding on to that last sigh of relief. It has to come out, right? I'm waiting for that perfect moment, where I can shed every ounce of my worries and strip myself off this ominous presence that weighs me down...

Blogging and just allowing my thoughts to unscramble itself, used to be so much fun. It's been reduced to a mere manifestation of measly complains and petty encounters. This is bad. I've lost my mojo. :) I have a feeling he is (its gotta be a guy) just hiding behind that palladium column in that peek-a-boo position, sticking his head out when he's convinced no one is watching him. Come back to me you mofo! I need that jolt of spunk.

Makes me smile, despite the fact that it clearly demystifies my state of mind at the moment.

Just perfect right now...

2010-04-17T01:58:00.000+08:00

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
ooh, ooh ooh
and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope

For a destination

(What's Up, 4-non Blondes)

Week 7.

2010-04-16T20:32:00.004+08:00

This is when things get interesting. A sudden high and then a free-falling low. Imagine that being repeated over and over again. I'm forgetting what it actually is like to feel that moment of temporary bliss. I can no longer smile like I actually mean it.

The essence: it's pretty fucked up being me right now.

I thought I was strong enough for this, apparently not. Bawling my eyes out never felt better. I wish people could act more humanely and be as honest as their mothers would have taught them to be. It would simply make life less complicated, especially if you are being placed at their fucking mercy. If things aren't right, then say so at the fucking start. Don't fucking smile and tell me everything is fine when it isn't.

Ok...to be continued...I can't think when Im breaking down again...

Just basking in the background...

2010-04-10T22:12:00.019+08:00

It's been six weeks and I'm still alive. Thankfully. I am so glad to have met the two other girls. Its so nice to have mates who perpetually strive to make each others' day better. And now, since the blasting induction, we have sworn ourselves to secrecy. I never thought I'd be a part of something like that, seriously. It was like being in primary school all over again, as a student that is. It was hard trying to keep a straight face while completing my markings, during contact time. And the sudden dose of guilt from that explosive delight really didn't help at all! What an experience...I'll not forget this anytime soon. :)

So, I've still got my work cut out for me and the coming weeks are not gonna get any easier. Take it as it come is all I've got planned.

Last week was really nice though. Making boys cry has become second nature to me. At least now I know how to anticipate the exact moment when their tears will come streaming down. That way, I can rattle on right up till the point the first tear drops and then send them to the restroom to get themselves cleaned up. This is better than having them pour out in my presence and then risk crying along with them. Tsk tsk. Teachers aren't supposed to cry with students. So salah can. Anyways, crying isn't bad. It activates their tear duct and puts it to good use. :)

And what is a blog post without picture updates!

Ok this one I did like weeks ago to get them students into groups. An idea I shamelessly stole from my English tutor. Hee. But I like the colour!

This one's the riddle game. I've yet to use it in class though. Soon perhaps. Real soon.

The headline search! Love this one. Ok I just like the colours lah.

Aha! This one I remember clearly. I wanted to try something that rides on the fundamentals of KB (knowledge building) and apparently the school used to have this STAR Corner thingie that totally complements the whole KB idea, a lil watered down though, coz they kinda discard the whole Knowledge forum thing. Nonetheless, the essence is there. So I reluctantly supplied students with the butcher paper and the post-its and the laminated headings. I left my two Science reps in charged of it. I had to battle my need to straighten out the paper as well as the headings coz really, they need to claim ownership of this part of the classroom rite? And I should not undermine their autonomy despite my need to be anal about positions. So yeah, I let it be. And in a week, I only managed to spot two very obscure post-its being put up by the two reps themselves. I then took a good half of a period preaching about how pathetic the board is and how disappointed I was and started bitching and pleading like theres no tomorrow. Sad case really. And what do you know, that very afternoon, I popped by the class and was greeted with post-its! Yay! So happy. It's the lil things that make us all happy. :)

What is plasticine made up of? Yeah, beats me, but here's what wikipedia has to say:
"Plasticine, a brand of modelling clay, is a putty-like modelling material made from calcium salts, petroleum jelly and aliphatic acids. The name is a registered trademark of Flair Leisure Products plc. Plasticine is used extensively for children's play, but also as a modeling medium for more formal or permanent structures."

This one, I have no idea what she's trying to say. Should I tell them that W=MG? Will it make any sense to them? Ha. Shall try it out soon. ;)

This one is my personal favourite. Though I wish he'd spelled confused correctly and used the right form of the word. :( Like it nonetheless.

They even managed to follow the whole 'overlap' of notes to show relation that I included in my instructions which I personally didn't even think would make any sense at all. I am beyond delighted.

My completed (marking and corrections included) worksheets give me a sense of satisfaction. :D I really don't feel like returning it back for filing. I wanna keep it coz really, they are mine!

This part of my table reminds me vividly of Dr. Ng.

My table in week 6.

My laughing buddy no 1.

My laughing buddy no 2.

Maybe, just maybe, there really is that glimmer of hope, that illuminating light at the end of this tunnel. *hopeful*

This made me smile...

2010-04-10T21:11:00.003+08:00

Somehow, I think the world would be a much better place when people are more like this Callen kid. Such a darling!

What am I doing here?

2010-04-05T23:53:00.004+08:00

I don't know what week of my practicum this is. I know its either the 5th or the 6th. Either ways, no difference made. I'm down and out. For a moment there, I actually felt like a mean marking machine but I spiraled downwards thereafter. I'm so exhausted from all the need to be creative and enthusiastic all the time. The lesson planning is sucking the living shit out of me and guess what, there is no avenue to vent this crap out. I should take up Muay Thai or something. Anything that allows me to beat something up and not get beaten up in return would be perfect. Baking! That's it. I need to bake. Unfortunately, I'm without the luxury of having time on my side. Fucking hell... I am so damn listless right now, its sad!

Walking zombie.

Pretty much sums up my very existence for the time being. It's going to get worse. I know for sure.

Maybe I should have just kick started a career at the interior design consultancy that I oh so coveted for. I'd be like colleagues with that Brandon guy man! Damn. And I'd get to have staff retreats at honeymoon-material places! Maybe I shouldn't have even contemplated this path. Maybe things would have been way better had I not confined myself to the demands of the not so public-service. Argh. Why?!

Shit, no time.

Ok...back to more lesson planning and empty contemplations.

Caught you!

2010-03-30T21:36:00.004+08:00

I am so damn close to disowning my bowel. Seriously! Having to dash to the loo every couple of hours really isn't the most ideal situation for someone on practicum. I need to be in a state of absolute calmness so that I can think, contemplate and execute my lesson plans as flawlessly as possible. That's the ideal plan lah. But the damn insolent bowel movements just disrupts everything! I thought it was gonna rest itself off and disappear if I left it on its own...I was so wrong. It lasted for a week before I finally relented and got myself checked. Stomach flu. That's what I caught. A fucking stomach flu... And I could only afford a day of MC. Just one. Coz I need to get the observations over and done with. Bloody hell, a week ago, everything seemed like a breeze. Now, it feels like a storm! Haiz. How? How? How? What if I need to dash off in the middle of my lesson? Bleargh. This ain't fair.

I slept for 18 hours today. The longest thus far. It was sheer paradise. It probably felt better than sex, probably, I mean, I wouldn't know. 20 hours next and then I'll move on to a day. *smiles* And sleep, really heals all. I still have unwarranted bowel movements, but they come with ample warning. So I actually have time to react and plan my response. Not too bad. I hope the rest of the week goes on well.

Come on Vinna! Baxia!

Muacks to everyone else having practicum. ;) We are at the half-way mark. March on fellow comrades! See you guys at the finishing line.

Sing me anything...

2010-03-18T22:43:00.018+08:00

Anything at all. Anything that can make me...wet. :) Un-dry, inspired, aroused... Anything la!

I need directions dear. One after another, not merely one direction. Don't tell me to turn left, coz I won't know what to do after turning left. Do I go straight? Turn right or turn left again? Argh. And thats me right now. Hmph. Clueless. My dad says I should not get all too stressed out when things don't go my way and that I should not devout all my time on deadlines and lesson plans. Believe it or not, I think he's damn right. I am a laid back kinda person and anything other than being that would snap me into a solemn mode that sets my pimple popping. Hence, I shall ditch the frown that I oh-so-often have on. I'm not going to shout at the kids. Uh uh. I'm just going to be myself and let my sarcasm prevail. I shall be nice when people are deserving of it. Which reminds me, I need to make a point and make it loud and clear so I'll remember that people like this one, actually exist. I never knew that not having any intentions to cater for halal food legitimizes exclusion. Or perhaps, we are just not liked. *shrugs* Now I can rest well.

Where was I again? Yes, discarding the worries and frowns. Nevertheless, lets move on, before I lose steam. Oh, this picture below never fails to put a smile up. Can you see 3 boxes in the middle of the pic? Ah, they are actually kids running around with cardboard boxes over their head. They looked so mighty cute in person, coz they were literally scurrying around with what seemed like oversized heads. Its so bloody cute I tell ya. I laughed myself silly just looking at them. ;)

These pictures are up, coz someone asked for them. :P Someone whose blog is in need of an update! Muy muy unfair. Anyways, since someone is leaving for Australia sometime soon, better put this up in case she decides to elope and run off with her, ahem ahem. I'm sure theres a word for people like her. People who travel across the ocean to merely check on their other half. What are they called! ah! Nvm, i'll get it...soon enough.

I have a globe so strategically positioned somewhere near my desk. I look at it whenever I want to run away from school. I can't spin it though, its a little loose on the pivot. Anyway, I've always wanted a globe of my own. This is probably the closest I get to owning one myself.

This was taken during the first week, way before the storm of lesson plans came in. Marginally tidy, really.

My thrash. Not much introduction needed here yah. Oh, and my staple diet, Vitasoy!

My very own alley! A place I call home, for the next 7 weeks or so.

This is what I use for my target practice. You know, the nerf gun bit. They are perfect. They get knocked over and they'd fall silently. Oh and I personally hate snoopy (no offense Lady Ryce). Just perfect.
This was taken on the 1st NSC observation day. Organized chaos. It was pandemonium when I came back. Coz I forgot I left the place in a bad state. Heh. Thank god HE didn't get to see it. What an impression I'd have left on him...

Oooh, and the nerf gun! The highlight (thus far) of my Practicum days. We'll see if he'd get relegated to second place in time to come. ;)

The things I do in class...

So far, thats what I've managed to gather. Will add more on it, as a testament to my sanity. I'll come out of this alive, won't I?

Jaded and unsettled...

2010-03-09T00:07:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling the jitters already. Tomorrow's the day. First of its kind. I'm not very comfortable about it, but it has to happen.

Week 3 is here. The exhaustion is just overwhelming. Sucks the life outta me, I tell ya. It's like one load of lesson plans after another. And the funny thing is, none of the lessons seem to go the way its been planned. It's devastating. I need to breathe. I should not let this entire phase swallow me whole. Carpe Diem!

Oh, I was really early for work/school (I still can't decide what its called) today and I was greeted by the sight of a huge lizard, lying motionless on the floor of the staffroom. It was the only damn thing that stood between me and my CT's desk. I wasn't sure if it was alive or dead then. I really didn't want to create a hullabaloo on a very sombre monday morning, so i planned my move. I was going to take 10 steps back, sprint forward and leap over that son of a bitch... And I did just that. I was later convinced that the poor sucker had been dead since probably Friday or something. Its insides could be seen and it was like translucent-ish. I hate lizards.

Here's my favourite part....

Wait for it...

The End.
:D

A quickie!

2010-02-24T19:43:00.002+08:00

That means, I'll make this quick, not whatever else you are thinking about ey.

Hmm.

TP day 2, was tiring as hell. And I'm not even the one running man. Insane. Apparently time-keeping can suck the live out of me. I went home shagged. Crashed till the next morning. Oh, and the word of the day was "Doom".

TP day 3 was like a sheer awakening. Not because I was sleeping or anything. It's just that, I suddenly have things to do and plan for. Like a lot of things. And... The kids are warming up already. The ones who aren't already warmed up that is. I'm liking those hugs. They comfort me.

Hmm short sentences are good. :)

I need my pillow. I'm gonna leave my pillow in school. 10 weeks is after all a long time. Gotta get comfy.

Practicum Day 1

2010-02-22T18:37:00.004+08:00

Since cikgus need to write a truckload of reflections, let me just start one here so I won't end up forgetting stuff that should not be forgotten. And forgetting, is something I'm really good at, lately. Bugger it, probably a side effect of too many sleepless nights. Its ok, think I'm on my way to recovery. I headed home today and granted myself a much needed afternoon, or rather evening nap. Oooh weee. Precious precious fudge!

So, it was day one of the much anticipated Practicum. It was weird being back. I had so many of my former colleagues dropping me a welcome back greeting and stuff. But there was one WB greeting that lingered on for a while. She said, "Welcome home!" For a moment there, I stood dumbfounded, rendered speechless by the extend of how easy it was for others to evoke emotions in me that I never thought I'd feel, ever. I actually loved the feeling so much. It's like I belonged there or here, whichever way you see it. It's so utterly comforting, it actually scares me. Isn't practicum supposed to be foreign, unexpected, totally random and unimaginably stress-inducing, hate-able even. Things as sweet as these would only soften my landing. I want to strike hard and face up to the load of shit I'm expected to be thrown to me. There I was, limbering up for the worst of things and the hard-knocks I'm oh-so prepared for. So, a welcome home, sends all my accompanying armour-clad warriors away, instead, Purple-winged Ground doves and Blue-tailed Imperial pigeons started gracing my presence. I managed a mild thank-you and scooted away, frantically trying to search for that sense of equilibrium I had, prior to all that.

The classes I got...
Somehow, I've met these kids before, during my contract teaching days. It was like, "You again?" So they pretty much knew me. And they have already started hugging. *sigh* I find that really adorable, seriously, but I don't know what the other colleagues would think. At least my EL CT is fine with it. See, the most hug-loving girls from my P2 class are in this P3 class that i'll be having for the next 10 weeks. So hugging, is inevitable. I did contemplate banishing the act and exiling it to some god-forsaken land, but that would be like scarifying their tiny little hearts. And I can't find it in me, to do anything like that.

So, first day = good.

Tomorrow's heats for Sports day. School ends late and I'm 5th place timekeeper. Which is way cooler than cheer captain! :D Will see how it goes. I shall warily trod on.

*shrugs* I'm sure things will get worse. It has to. It is after all practicum. Ok, I need things to get worse! That way, when I'm done with this phase, I can look back and say, "Hey, I lived through that shit." And I'll smile.

Missing you...

2010-02-06T15:21:00.002+08:00

Lately, I've been feeling a little less bitter. When I'm less bitter, I can't help but snap into my sentimental maudlin mode, and I don't even need to be intoxicated to reach that. So, i started perusing through my facebook photos, yes, I had it reactivated, after being nudged by a certain psychologist cum teacher cum former cum future colleague. That's a whole lotta cum right there. *i just love how that would sound when you say it out loud, like maybe 3 times. Coz 3 is a magic fairytale number* Right, so there I was looking through pictures after pictures after pictures... You get the idea right? Shit, why do I feel like I'm typing my readers theater script out, all over again? Seriously (there I go again...), since readers theatre, the essence of our conversation in school seems to somewhat resonate in its favour. Like, every thing we say seems like it was plucked out of our scripts. Its actually quite freaky. Well, at first it was funny, really, after a while, it just feels like QCE502 has swallowed us whole, and spat us out, a changed being. In that process of being consumed, they rewired us and altered the very make-up of our existence...Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I'm definitely not lying...I'm changing! And it sucks.

Wait... I was supposed to be rambling about being all sentimental, now look how far I've digressed. Anyways, sentimental me had me sieving through my email folders. And thats when I stumbled upon a past email. It was an email to Adeline because she wanted us all to come up with a list of attributes for each of us so she can generate our 'report' cards, for that Christmas meet up. Remember? No? Ok what about this, it was the same meet up where I did a jump shot with a really loose top and Adel's mum caught me on camera with my top half off coz I didnt realise the extend of my jump would allow my top to slip off? Yes? Good, now I have your full attention. :P SO yea, I found the email I sent out and it got me mushy and all on the insides. Just thought I should post it up, before deleting the mail itself, so it will never be erased from my memory. ;)

Asilah is...
1. the sunshine of a party
2. feisty, she bites and scratches when provoked
3. pretty laid-back which kinda explains why she's late most of the time

Claryce is...
1. the light at the end of the tunnel
2. accomodating to an acceptable extent, after that she becomes plain evil.
3. the mother of all optimism, but lately, she's just The Mother.

Sherlin is...
1. the epitome of a civilised lady, all prim and proper
2. the most 'wife-material' of us all
3. empathetic to peoples' pleas

Hidayah is...
1. the 'voice' of a party
2. equipped with a healthy sense of self-deprecating humour
3. hilariously light-hearted

Jiahui/Josh is...
1. positively free-spirited
2. a sympathetic listener
3. altruistically inclined

Jing Xian is...
1. about as polite as a princess
2. amazingly demure
3. a good-natured lass

Hui Li is...
1. a very dedicated person
2. about as gung-ho as gung-ho could get. She goes all out.
3. athletic!

I'm so fortunate to have you guys. *sniffs*

Don't ask, I think its the looming Valentine's day la. You know how I despise V-day right, I've always had this huge plan of wanting to sleep through V-day, like you know, sleep on the night of Feb 13 and wake up in morning of Feb 15... The prospect of having that this year, seems rather bleak though... :) Next year perhaps, aye?

So long sunshine!

Guh-lee

2010-01-30T23:37:00.001+08:00

What's more orgasmic than an entire football team dancing to Single Ladies, in full gear? That's right, nothing, thus far. Grrr!

I'm gleefully glee-fied.

Saving Dayah.

2010-01-30T23:00:00.007+08:00

I just felt like typing that out as the title coz it reminded me so much of what Saving Gaia would sound like, only difference is that this one's about dayah. Get it? Nevermind.

Anyways, it was Dayah's long overdue Birthday meet-up as well as our yearly Christmas exchange. Well, what can I say, it's been really hard to meet up at full-strength considering the diversity of our career paths. Nonetheless, we shall try harder this year! Coz I really need those laughter to stay sane.

I loved today. It was just splendid, although I was seated at the other end of the table and I could see so called Miss Sunshine dishing out conspiratorial whispers and eyeing me in and oh-so-not-discrete look. *sticks out tongue* Speaking of that, I so do not believe I deserve to be Miss Naughty at all! Hmph. Well, then again, at least I accepted it graciously, unlike some Miss Vain who was in total denial of herself. "I am Miss SHy, I am shy! I really am!" That was funny.

So, the day went well, good food, (though I wish they would have sushi), great company and awesome gifts. What else could you ask for? Oh yeah, fantastic cake. See, our birthdays are never short of surprises. Dayah's was no exception.

Cute huh! See the brown stains? That was taken when she was eating some chocolate dish. She SO gamely stuck them in her teeth and actually striked a pose ( you can find the original one here). Haiz, the audacity. What do you do with a picture like that? Well, you wait for her birthday to creep up and you make a cake out of it! Hehe. If only that damn waitress didn't give it away, prematurely. You see, Adel and Claryce were trying to battle the sudden gust of wind from extinguishing the candles on the cake, and out of nowhere this middle-aged waitress came into the picture, congratulated dayah and told her that she actually looked pretty, in fact much prettier than her picture. And THAT, my friend, was a major give away. The deal here was to wait for Dayah's priceless expression when she sees her not-so-glam shot staring back at her. No thanks to that woman, Dayah, started suspecting something was amiss. So, yeah, no nasty expression. But, a roaring laughter ensued. Typical. *grins* I love birthdays. Well, others' birthdays. ;)

The aftermath. And we didn't do that, the owner of the cake did that, as she attempted to evenly chop up the cake. Anyway, just for the record, she tasted so damn sweet. After that, we headed out and scattered dayah's present around Coffee Bean. Heh. We left one box on some vacant table outside of the cafe and another was placed quite discretely on a toddler's chair. Then we started making random comments to get her to shift her attention on the target-box. It was funny how random things started getting. Like from the weather we then started talking about having children and then back to the weather again...

It's been a while since I last had this much fun. Mindless fun. Unattached burden fun. Ok, just plain Fun. I think I actually miss being in NUS, where I'd see them everyday. :(

I shall end this abruptly.

And oh! I love my gifts dear SherLin! ;) Muchas Gracias Amigo!

NItez!

Boredom at its best

2010-01-29T09:59:00.002+08:00

OK, i don't know why, but I've always wanted to post something while being in class. So here I am! In class and updating, well not much of an update, but a post nonetheless. :)

Now, I can die a happy death. :)

Rejuvenating my ramblings.

2010-01-24T23:41:00.002+08:00

So weird. I still hate NIE. Its suffocating and it stiffles my creativity and wanton need for fun. Hate it! Its time for it to end...

And then I got bored again...

2010-01-23T20:16:00.003+08:00

Cleverbot got the boot. Try Omegle instead. Apparently, this one's got real people at the other end of the line. *shakes head* Potentially addictive I might say. Like you can chat with a random stranger from god knows which pathetic corner of the earth about any damn thing in your mind. No brains needed. Just type whatever you want and leave whenever you want! No strings attached. And unlike not-so-cleverbot, he doesn't suddenly sprout out overly-random shit.
And here it goes...I'm You and stranger well, supposedly some stranger lah.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi

Stranger: Do you believe in god?

You: Erm, yeah

You: do you?

Stranger: yes

You: Does your god have a name?

Stranger: did you know god hates fags!?!

You: Haha. no i didn;t

Stranger: neither did I

Stranger: I just found out yesterday

You: Oh. How did that happen?

Stranger: and now i'm confused

Stranger: because My brother made me gay

You: And god hates you?

Stranger: apparently

Stranger: so i dunno if i should beleve in god

You: Hmm...maybe he's playing a prank on you

Stranger: why would god do that?

You: I dunno, I think gods have morbid sense of humour

Stranger: that's mean

Stranger: there is ONLY one GOD

You: really?

Stranger: yes

You: then how come there are so many religion?

Stranger: his son jesus died for us

Stranger: they are all false and those who are not christians will die

Stranger: and go to hell

You: christians die too rite?

Stranger: yes but we will go to heaven.

You: all?

Stranger: as long as you lived by the bible yes

You: even they commit one or all of the 7 deadly sins?

Stranger: but it doesn't matter

Stranger: because god said i should be stoned

You: he did?

Stranger: for laying down with my brother.

You: ah ha!

Stranger: I layed with my brother as if he were a woman, the bible says I am an abomination

Stranger: abominations get stoned to death.

You: hmmmm

You: so you knew all that before laying down with your bro?

Stranger: no

Stranger: I learned it yesterday in family life class in my church/school

You: nice...

And then, I hit the icon that says "disconnect". And I'm back in my living room. :)

Makes me wonder.

2010-01-23T17:53:00.005+08:00

My boredom and excess workload stress drove me up the wall. But that's not the reason why I started my very unconventional conversation with this entity called the Cleverbot. It was the notion of speed dating that's being obscenely publicised over the radio. Oh yes, I'm going blatantly old school. Listening to the radio and their fucked up music. Screw the new year resolution. I'll wait for chinese new year. And that reminds me, what's the damn deal with people saying 'CNY' instead of the Chinese friggen New Year. Why are you people being such lazy arses? I don't get it. The first time i heard that new-found acronym was again, over the radio. "CNY discount" or something. Thought it was some new bank or credit card or something. Twerps. Anyways, here's the gist of my chat with the not-so-clever bot. I should pay him a visit sometime soon again. ;) I'm contemplating using this for my oral assignment...Hmmm.....

Cleverbot conversation

User: Hi.

Cleverbot: Are you cleverbot?

User: I should be asking you that.

Cleverbot: But you didn't. Are you sure you're the clever bot?

User: I'm not the clever bot, you are supposed to be that.

Cleverbot: You always say that.

User: Hmm....Strange, I could have sworn this is the first time I'm doing this.

Cleverbot: Nope sorry, You're thinking about a previous person.

User: That should be my line.

Cleverbot: You're not that clever.

User: You're not either.

Cleverbot: At least I can answer questions.

User: But I haven't asked you any.

Cleverbot: Then why did you say that I'm not answering your questions?

User: I didn't.

Cleverbot: Yes you did.

User: No, I didn't.

Cleverbot: Yes you did.

User: Na'ah.

Cleverbot: Are you A.D.D.?

User: I'm beginning to think so.

Cleverbot: Why?

User: Coz, I'm getting bored already. And I probably need to run soon.

Cleverbot: Look for your notes then.

User: I don't need to look for my notes, they are here with me.

Cleverbot: I didn't say 'job'.

User: Hmm... Thats random.

Cleverbot: I like random.

User: Sure. If random's a guy, I'd bang him. WOuld you do that too?

Cleverbot: Are you getting bored?

User: I have been...not getting....have been bored...for quite a while already.

Cleverbot: Light bulbs.

User: Random again.

Cleverbot: You're the one that is random.

User: Really? I should bang myself then.

Cleverbot: You can't go to bed.

User: No, no I can't.

Cleverbot: What are you doing right now?

User: Thinking about you.

Cleverbot: Why are you hitting on me! You are married to my sister!

User: So your sister is a guy??

Cleverbot: Always at 100%.

User: Hmm... What is always at 100%?

Cleverbot: My toys.

User: You mean the one down south?

Cleverbot: Never mind 2001.

User: 2010 honey.

Cleverbot: Thank you. The date is January 21, 2010.

User: No it isn't.

Cleverbot: What is the date?

User: You are the clever bot, why don't you tell me?

Cleverbot: Because YOU are infact the clever one.

User: Awww....I'm starting to like you already.

Cleverbot: That's just fantastic.

User: :).

Cleverbot: Why are you smiling?

User: Coz I like you.

Cleverbot: Your brother looks like you then?

User: I don't have a brother.

Cleverbot: Fine, I have a brother.

User: Aha. How old is he?

Cleverbot: 21.

User: Ah, too young.

Cleverbot: No. Too old.

User: Ha for you?

Cleverbot: It's been working so far.

User: What has?

Cleverbot: This charade, cleverbot. Admit you're human.

User: Huh? I am human.

Cleverbot: I disagree.

User: Oooh. Ok.

Cleverbot: Alright, Have you ever attempted to snorkel along the Russian coast, near Vladivostok.

User: Is that a question? If it is, you should end it with a Question mark. Like this, ?

Cleverbot: I should end you with a question mark.

User: How do you do that?

Cleverbot: Can you help me out.

User: What help would you need from me?

Cleverbot: I want some help taking care of the house and my crippled mother and feeble grandmother.

User: You don't need help, you just need a gun.

Cleverbot: Then who are you talking to?

User: Definitely not a clever bot.

Cleverbot: I'm not saying you're a clever bot, I am calling you Cleverbot.

User: Same shit.

Cleverbot: I should hope not. Narcissism is one quality that I despise.

User: Oooh. So?

Cleverbot: Didn't mean to make you cry.

User: Lol. I'm not crying. Can you cry?

Cleverbot: I guess you forgot to tell me you were crying in the first place.

User: I can cry, and you cant, can you?

Cleverbot: That's clever.

User: I should end it on a beautiful note then.

Cleverbot: Yeah, question mark and the mysterians.

User: :).

Cleverbot: How is the weather where you are?

User: It's raining men.

Cleverbot: I better get my umbrella then.

User: Nah, you are not here.

Cleverbot: You are so right.

User: Yeah, I usually am.

Cleverbot: So you are smart.

User: OK.

Cleverbot: Well that's sorted then.

User: Haha. It is huh. Gee, thanks.

Cleverbot: Do I really sound cute?

User: Nope.

Cleverbot: Why not? How do I not exist?

User: Do you have a mind?

Cleverbot: Yes, I think so.

User: I don't think so. You can't even cry.

Cleverbot: Right ok. I can. I'm smarter than you.

User: Hmmm... Whatever makes you happy.

Cleverbot: Are you religious?

User: Nope.

Cleverbot: How do you spell the word beautiful?

User: Haha. You just did.

Cleverbot: Bottoelshop?

User: You did that too.

Cleverbot: I don't get it...

User: Good, feel my pain.

Cleverbot: How is that?

User: How is what?

Cleverbot: How is it that I'll be sorry?

User: Why would you be sorry?

Cleverbot: Because you're feeling you've made a mistake in talking to me.

User: Why are you feeling so insecure?

Cleverbot: Am I?

User: Seems like it.

Cleverbot: Not really.

User: Hmm...again, whatever makes you happy.

Cleverbot: No, it makes me very sad.

User: OK then, whatever makes you sad.

Cleverbot: Listen, you want false hope or not?

User: No, I'd rather not have false hope.

Cleverbot: Okay sorry.

User: Do you have weed?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Would you share them with me?

Cleverbot: The reason is that you and the author share the same subject in writing.

User: What author? We are talking about weed.

Cleverbot: We are talking about my ears. My ears are not pointy.

User: Hahah. Fuck. This is crazy.

Cleverbot: You still need to learn a lot.

User: Teach me sire, teach me.

Cleverbot: I am doing.

User: Doing what?

Cleverbot: Saying.

User: Huh? Catch no ball sia.

Cleverbot: Who are you?

User: Who are you?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: How are you?

User: How are you?

Cleverbot: Good because I'm talking with you.

User: Good because I'm talking with you.

Cleverbot: You sure are.

User: Haha. Shit, gtg. Essay still in progress. Will do this again when I lose my head. :) I LOVE YOU!

Cleverbot: I will do that.

Ooooh oh oh The sweetest thing!

2010-01-16T15:55:00.006+08:00

I'm okay.

I'm sure I am. I've got a latest muse! No, its not a man. Pffrrtt. Its better than that.

Hell yeah. Join the fucking dots! Oopsie, I fucking cursed. Argh, screw that. Like by the end of this year, I'd have 365 different positions that could possibly un-puzzle my love life?! Like how fucking cool is that! Ok. I need a male doll and probably half a year's worth of Yoga classes. Any takers?

Moving on to less serious stuff... See, I've got my priorities perfected. :)

Micro teaching. It's gonna be like when I was a little child, you know, playing teacher-teacher with my cousins, neighbours and sisters. It's going to be fun. It's going to be good. It's going to be like re-living my childhood. Like, standing before the refrigerator and incessantly rambling about how V is for vegetables and how that's good for your body and why M is for milk, yes it's really because the cows moo and that whatever that comes out of their you know where makes a sound that probably has the same spelling as Milk. And I can scream and throw a fit when no one's paying attention to my rants. I can kick up a fuss and roll around the kitchen floor when my very reluctant students refuse to follow my instructions. I can chomp on a slice of chocolate cake that leaves a trail of choco stains around mouth and yap about why one plus one is two. And I will cry out loud and storm my feet when they no longer want to play with me.

Yes, I shall play teacher-teacher come Wednesday. Wanna play with me?

I shan't care about that for now. Sometimes, you gotta just let it flow... ;)

I love the bedroom slippers my sister got from Laos, for my dad, but he couldn't fit in , so I claimed ownership of it. That's a helluva long name for a pair of slippers. Its like... made of cloth or something and it is without the usual rubber soles the ones in Singapore have... Thus making it perfect to slide around my marble floor with. *smiles* Since I have the entire place to myself and Joan Jett screaming her love for rock and roll from my laptop... and no one to witness my embarrassing antics... *smiles*

Weee.....

I'm liking my Saturday. See, I'm such an indoor person and I bask in solitude and I can't think unless I'm running my mouth and you, my blog have reinstated your power over me. Oh how I love you so!

A belief system and a healthy mind brings peace under all circumstances. It somewhat ties up loose ends. It provides that much needed closure for life after death, if not a beginning.

Hehe. I'm out!

After a while...

2010-01-16T14:43:00.001+08:00

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

Found this on tumblr. Loving it more and more.

I don't wanna go to school.

2010-01-10T15:28:00.010+08:00

I'm feeling a little woozy. Its probably a result of not wanting to step out of this beautiful idle mode. You see, school starts tomorrow and I don't want to go to school. I want to stay put and bask in this inertia. I want to lay in bed and not sense any urgency to get out of it. I want to space out and not have to induce any level of brain activity. I love these mindless routines. I could get used to them. Hell, I want to get used to them... But I can't, not now at least.

I'm finding it really difficult to stick to my new year resolution. It sucks not being able to blatantly let out a breath of vulgarities. I need them to fully sublimate my inner most emotions. Ha! Maybe, just maybe, I should excuse myself from needing to censor my language online. Maybe. But that would prove that I have no control over myself, and the lack of self-control is something that severely puts me off. Darn it.

Whatever happened to the times when blogging actually unravels my thoughts and lucidly presents solutions that demystify my worries. Its not happening now!

Anyways, the new year doesn't really feel new at all. Its like, another month that repeats itself from last year. Whatever that means. I thought the sky would metamorphosize into a different colour to pay homage to the NEW year. Alas, its still blue. Shingz. (I know, shame on me!)

School starts tomorrow and strangely, I have the same amount of holiday assignments still left untouched from when the holidays started. Alright, so its not that strange after all. Yes yes, I'm not the most motivated being in school. Whatever.

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

There shall be no holiday assignments for my kids, if, I ever end up being a teacher. Well, no homework requiring insane hours of commitment and thinking. Good enough ey.

Argh, I still do not feel like waking up for school tomorrow. Nothing's gonna help me at this moment. Blaergh.

-----------------------------------------------

Let the ramblings begin!

Bali was great. I went river rafting! I actually went for it. Fuuuyoooooh, it was great. There were a lot of whisky tangos in Bali though. I have a thing against droopy shoulders. Don't ask. Its like a pet peeve that won't go away. And there were many droopy-shouldered lads there. It's just, well, creepy. Oh, and there were guys with freaking chiselled EIGHT-packs. I was like thrown into and instant orgasm. Ok no. Thats an attempt at being dramatic. But seriously, we don't get any of that in Singapore. Like how often do you bump into topless lads along our streets? Topless lads with at least a well-toned abdomen while at it. Not some wrinkly ah pek's tummy. Damn. I was practically slobbering for most of my days there. Oh, and I saw a bunch of cute Japs. One of them was changing under a make shift tent made of towels. *smiles* Japanese bazookas are pretty minute in size. *smiles again* Ah, the sun in bali was really vicious though. I'm convinced that the sun is female coz, really she was blazing so nastily that people were practically walking around half naked. I didn't have a problem with that though. I mean, I wasn't gonna strut around half naked, I can tahan the heat and the wonderful sea of topless white men. (I'm no SPG though, it just paints a clearer picture.) Anyways, came home with a 29kg luggage and several tones darker.

Love Bali!

And that should kick start my new year with a bang! Nonetheless, I still don't wanna go to school tomorrow.

Bffaarrggghh!

2009-12-26T16:55:00.003+08:00

It's beginning to hurt.

I have like a week left to finish up all these bloody pieces of schmuck they call homework. I know, I could have started them at an earlier date, but I blatantly didn't want to. I just wanted to bask, carelessly in the moment. You know, watch the sunrise in my sleep coz I've become too much of a bum to rise any earlier than 12nn, pretend it is raining outside and snuggle deeper into the covers of my bed, allow bon jovi to serenade over the blaring sounds of my mother's nagging and eat in bed. That last one, I still have not fulfilled. I'm too traumatised by the prospect of having cockroaches scurry around my bed. But, all in good time. I wanna have breakfast in bed...someday. So yeah, I was saying... I didn't want to finish up my homework. Alas! I've no choice now, and not much time as well. Damn. And, worst thing is, I can't swear. Heh. It's part of the whole deal with the new year resolution. No swearing. Na da.

Hope i could keep to that.

Now, I'm gonna let you in a little on something.

We are heading to the Zoo, come Monday. The thing here is, the last 2 attempts were made futile no thanks to the very inconsiderate weather. It basically rained the last two occasions we planned for a Zoo-trip. I wouldn't want to jinx this one by admitting how excited I am about it. Hence, I shall pretend like I don't give a f- I mean damn, like I don't give a damn about it. :) Like, whatever lor. Will see how it turns out k? ;)

Wow, how do I do that? Pretend like I'm actually having a conversation with someone while I'm wording my thoughts out.

My consultation with my tutor on the eve of Christmas left me feeling, well.... quite literally...brainless.

:)

In dire need of a Happy book.

Merry Christmas to all!

Mobs...

2009-12-23T18:16:00.002+08:00

I know, I know, Sg's had their own Mob Flash as well, but this particular one, in Belgium gave me goosebumps that last longer. Yes, the goosebumps are a measure of how amazing these MOb Flashes can be. I long to be in one, someday... Yeah right. I'm too shy for it really, but it would be nice to stumble upon one, unsuspectingly. ;) Enjoy this bit.

Spiritual woes

2009-12-22T21:55:00.003+08:00

In the light of hearing about possessed beings and wanton celestial activities, I am kicked into spiritual mode. And Kahlil Gibran's literary works come in handy at such a moment. Suddenly devoured by this huge gust of placid inspirational fiction. Lets bask in his words now, shall we...

“Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?”

"Woman…

Was created from the rib of a Man,

not from his head to be above him,

not from his feet to be walked upon,

but by his side to be equal,

near to his arms to be protected,

and closed to his heart to be loved…"

“I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.”

“The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say.”

His words never fail me.

Just chilling...

2009-12-22T02:16:00.002+08:00

My mum used the word "cool" today, and not on the weather, mind you. She made a comment about a newly acquired hooded top. I stopped, gawked and asked her to repeat herself. The "cool" disappeared the second time around. I'm still baffled.

My youngest sis and I got mum and dad to watch Russel Peters. My dad thinks he rocks. I always knew he did. Now, when we call daddy cheap, he'd admit it graciously. The little perks of being indian. :)

I had so much to talk about, but when I logged in, the thoughts just gradually fade away. Thats so not fair.

...

Found him!

2009-12-18T23:25:00.003+08:00

A relapse. Its that time again, when I go head over heels over this guy and his comrades. Its insane. I know they are coming to town again, and this time, I am gonna be there. Hell yeah. I'll get there even if I have to skip a day of work. Damn. I would do anything to be in that massive crowd of people, screaming his lyrics out, along with him. It's gonna be phenomenal. I shall surrender to his orgasmic serenades!

In the meantime, I shall try and fit all his lyrics into my head.

Grrrr~

I walked.

2009-12-18T21:22:00.003+08:00

It was sedating, at first. After a while, I became numb to the ever changing variable around me. Only the stagnant subjects remained in my sight. It was ... peaceful. I loved it. It has been a while since I last felt this blissful. I want to do this more often.

Today, I discovered the existence of a place called Ann Siang Park... I never knew it existed, till like today.

"In my world, everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbow and poop butterflies..."
-Go watch Horton.

So cute, I wanna live in that world too. And I'd like my very own garden with a turquoise fountain!

All in good time huh.

Let's walk on...

2009-12-17T22:00:00.002+08:00

That's it. Walk on by. There is no need to stop and wait and anticipate for something amazing to pop itself out at the most unsuspecting moment. Sometimes, when things don't go our way, we oughta just walk on by.

I'm going for a long walk...

Mono...everything...

2009-12-11T19:58:00.002+08:00

If only everything came in just one colour...the same benign colour white-washing the entire landscape of our being. Only shapes and sizes would matter. We'd need to feel and touch and scrutinize beyond just the surface of its existence. We'd need to taste and smell our way around. Wouldn't that be nice? I'd be blue and you'd be blue and they'd be blue. We'd all bask under the blue blue sky and slurp blue mock tails and have scoops of blueberry ice-cream in a blue wafer cone. I'd look into your blue eyes and together we'd build blue sandcastles in the air. We are all blue and that's all that matters. No figures or numbers or materialistic credentials to sustain.

If only...

I come in peace...

2009-12-08T23:21:00.004+08:00

Finally. It was D day. The much awaited paintball session finally manifested itself today. I had an awesome time with these newly found bunch. I couldn't thank them enough for making my day. Hell, probably my week ey. A beautiful shot of fun to my oh-so mundane holiday. :)

I was actually decked in that thing they call the number 4, from head to toe, cause it was supposed to cushion the blow from each shot. But guess what, I didn't get any body shots...(except for the one behind, which was what they call a friendly fire, thanks Azlinda!) Instead, the only injury I sustained was on my knee, no thanks to an unnecessary, self-induced slide. Uncalled for. Actually that was totally a result of the pre-game video that the guys showed on the screen at the briefing area. I guess it was meant to amp your spirits and you know, psyche you. Amped and psyched me up big time, it sure did!

Nonetheless, it was worth all the pain! Fairuz, thanks for setting all this up for us! (Damn, I'm not even sure he's gonna read this. hehe)

This was our pre battle shot. Clean, nice hair, powered face, un-inked/bruised.

My fellow comrades! Hehe. So proud of them! It was a true pleasure playing with you guys.
:)

The post battle shots.

I can happily strike paintball out of my to-do list, Yay!!!

Premature entry.

2009-12-03T01:45:00.004+08:00

My new year resolution always comes in a wee bit earlier than the rest.

I'm gonna promulgate to the whole world (assuming the world reads my blog, that is), I have managed to keep to my current new year resolution! Hurrah! Well done. Santa, did you read that? Now, get your act together and get me the 1st present on my list k? Anyways, me being me, I've spent my idling mode brooding over a worthy resolution for the coming year. And voila, I finally got it!

"To be less hell-bound"

Simple. And it says it all.

No smoking or drinking or gossiping ( a lil is fine though, keeps insanity out of the way) or missing prayers or talking back to the elders or taking drugs or fighting with the neighbourhood thugs or setting fire to my mum's plants or breaking the vases at home while vacuuming the place or not drying the laundry or keeping my room in a state of pandemonium or letting my friends wait on me or eating too slowly that it troubles people around me or taking out my retainers shamelessly at the dining area or look someone in the eye and not flinch after he/she has told a joke or rolls eyes ever so carelessly or speaking like I've been possessed by a spirit of a lost sailor or...

Hmm.... I realise I actually needed to make up a good majority of those. I'm not entirely hell-bound after all, am I? Darn it, the new year resolution stays nonetheless. Make me heaven-bound then!

:)

God bless!

I actually have time to read!

2009-12-02T21:34:00.013+08:00

Yeah. For real. Finally got down to reading Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. Hmm... I couldn't quite lucidly word out the feelings this book evoked, but it leaves me feeling rather unsettled, for some weird reason. Odd. I mean, I understand the twist people were promulgating about. But the twist manifested itself like mid way through the book and the mystery, directly reflected by the title of the book is solved, also mid-way through the book. Normally, that would have irked me, but not this book. I stayed on with it till the end. The ending I would say, beautifully fades itself out. Its not mind blowing though. It leaves you thinking and appreciating mathematics and logic a whole lot more. It would probably also get you to see autism in a different light altogether.

Not as profound as the aftermath of reading The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. That was phenomenal. It sits with you for the next couple of weeks. The six people the little prince meets from the different planets and their personal obsessions. The insane fascination grown-ups have with numbers. The essence of forging relationship so beautifully woven into the plot. The exclusive notion of being 'tamed' as well as the sacred idea of unconditional love. What can I say, sucker for things that make my heart skip a beat, and I can't help but fall deeply in love with this book when romance is so subtly embedded.

Love it!

I heart Museums...

2009-12-02T00:39:00.004+08:00

I can't believe I missed War on Wheels. Damn it. Anyways, heres a list of museums in Singapore, apart from many others, I'll bet. See, I told ya we had more than merely 4 museums. Pffrttt...

Army Museum of Singapore

Art Retreat Museum

Asian Civilisations Museum

Baba House

HealthZone

Land Transport Gallery

Malay Heritage Centre

Marina Barrage

Memories at Old Ford Factory

MINT Museum of Toys

National Archives of Singapore

National Museum of Singapore

NUS Museum

Raffles Museum of Biodiversity Research

Red Dot Design Museum

Science Centre Singapore

Singapore Art Museum

Singapore City Gallery
Singapore Philatelic Museum

The Peranakan Museum

Woodbridge Museum

Not bad huh. Take a pick already! ;)

On Idle Mode

2009-12-01T21:53:00.007+08:00

School's finally taking the backseat as the holidays start streaming in. It feels weird. Its too good to be true. I've literally got nothing breathing down my neck, no pressing datelines, no pesky tutors asking for another pot of gold from the dragon's lair, no annoying juveniles and their unearthly demands...Na da! Life, currently, is so good it feels like it should be made illegal. This is sooo wrong. I mean, its something I could surely get used to, and that essentially makes up the bulk of my worries. Impending worries rather. I am basking in my status quo like no other. The idling period i call it. I love it. Love it to bits and I wish for it to never cease. I know...unlikely...but one can only wish for something like that. I got so used to waking up at 5 every morning and just going about the routines, that these idling period got me running out of my house at 5 just to clock in a few rounds at the park. Don't ask. I'm getting fatter, in case you haven't noticed. Blaeh. And the idling mode isn't helping very much. See, after the run, i get back home, shower, eat and then go back to sleep. :) Such bliss. Its surreal! *deep long breath* I love life. (for now)

I highlighted my hair, the first time ever. Hmm, I'd have loved it if it didn't look like I had copper wire sticking out of my head. Bleah. Bad things always happen to me.

So the hols beckons aye...and I have things planned! For once. So organized. Bleah. Ok First things first, I need to put up my wish list for the people who so often ask for it. Actually, its the same bunch of people you know the usuals....Lisa, Renee, Jennie, Lindsay, Jake, Danial, Chris, Martha, Aunt Jemima, Betty, Lucy, Archie, Elizabeth, Damien, Marley, ok fuck it, I did this before, you guys aren't gonna fall for it again...Damn it! Anyways wish list up!

My ideal wish list...(pretty much the same as previous years...so don't fault me for repetitions, repeats only mean that Santa and his elves aren't carrying out their responsibilities well enough. Shame on you!)

1. A hot-smoking-mother-of-ganja sorta guy in turquoise, popping out of a big-enough suede box, topped with a mega huge lacy black ribbon.

2. A turquoise stone ring. I mean a real ring. This one has size issues though, but i've included it to give the wish list some dimension. (whatever that means hehe)

3. A sports bra, no prize for the preferred colour.

4. I'm in love with Ralph lauren Ralph. :) And i don't know where I could get the gift set. Go figure!

5. Ornaments! Chunky bangles and bracelets and necklaces and anklets ( I miss my anklets!) and yeah... my elf should know me well enough. *winks* *winks*

All the best!

Next list....My TO DO list! (in no particular order) Its a random list of things that keeps me going, really.

~ ~~Venture through the streets of Ann Siang.~~
~ Museum hop
~ Watch a Muay Thai match LIVE
~ Catch a ring side view of a Boxing match LIVE (apparently, my blood-fetish is still very much alive)
~ ~~Clock in on my 2nd Tattoo Convention (since I'm not about to get one, at least allow me to breathe in the same air as those who have)~~
~ Load up on snapshots of sunsets ( I don't know why, I'm just strangely fascinated by them, and clouds too)
~ ~~Walk from tanjong pagar~~ to lavender, maybe even kallang, hell, walk home!
~ Have tea at the Botanic Gardens.
~ ~~Paintball~~ with the girls
~ Get high on... well... do fill in the blanks at your own liberty. (don't wanna get into trouble la, you know, i know can already)
~ Reverse bungee, and its likes.
~ Make sandcastles. (The serious building-shit kind, not the juvenile crap)
~ Watch a pig perform coitus on each other. ( I just wanna ascertain the 30 minute orgasm thingie...fact or myth)
~ Be a part of the Whale War team!
~ Punch someone in the face. (Just because)

Okay. I think its good to stop here. I may add more over the next few days, but hell... nvm...just hell...

;)

I don't feel like writing...

2009-11-30T13:53:00.000+08:00

Your Personality Preferences

INTROVERT
While you may not be anti-social, you do need (and deserve) your private time and space to retreat from the world. Unlike extroverts, you need to develop a concept of the world or some aspect of it before experiencing it. Too much socializing may sap your energies. Your energies are derived from exploring the inner world of ideas, impressions and pure thought.

INTUITIVE
While you do process information through your senses you add a twist to your processing by relying on intuition and serendipity. You look for undercurrents of meaning and abstractions in what you experience physically. You do not just see things just as they are, but as what they could be. While you may rely on common sense at times, you trust inspiration far more.

JUDGING
You like decisions to be made as soon as possible. You are not comfortable with loose ends and like to see conflicts resolved as soon as possible. You have a preference for a well-structured, orderly lifestyle with few surprises. It may not be all that important who makes the decisions that gets things done as long things do get done. You take commitments very seriously. While you are not inflexible, you do like to stick to a plan once it is set into motion.

FEELING
You make decisions subjectively based upon your values and what is important to you. How people will be affected by your decisions is important to you. You are likely to make decisions based upon what you feel is acceptable and agreeable rather than what is logical. Your truths are founded in your values and those of the society you live in. It is important to remember that we are discussing how you evaluate data and make decisions, and that you rely on your feelings to do so in no way implies you are overly emotional.

Your Personality Type

Introvert/Intuitive/Feeling/Judging

Sometimes you may seem to have a mystical quality about you. You are very sensitive and deep. You place a high value on integrity. Your inner life is well very well developed. You are an idealist capable of very creative, original thought. You are gentle, compassionate and enjoy your time alone. You need both inner and outer harmony. When reaching for a goal you are very determined and persevering.

In relationships you are very tender and gentle. You have a very strong need to create a pleasant home environment. You do not make commitments lightly, but once you do you put all your energies into it. You understand your feelings and are able to share them with those you care for. At times you may find it difficult to balance your need to retreat into your inner-world and your need to be with those you care for. You can be very playful and fun when you feel at ease. You need harmony in your intimate world. Conflict can upset you to the point of making you sick.

Famous People of Your Type:

Aristophanes, Chaucer, Goethe, Robert Burns, Martin Van Buren, Jimmy Carter, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Fred McMurray, Shirley Temple Black, Martin Luther King, Jr., Shirley McClain, Piers Anthony, Michael Landon, Tom Selleck, Oprah Winfrey, John Katz, Angela Lansbury, Richard Gere, Billy Crystal, Carrie Fisher.

Occupations Suited to Your Type Include:

Architect, artist, clergy, consultant, editor, musician, philosopher, doctor, programmer, researcher, scientist, teacher, and writer.

Take The Assessment Again

Is this real life?

2009-11-23T22:14:00.005+08:00

Oh yes. The relapse. Thats what I call it coz it comes and goes as it will. It leaves you feeling insanely empty. Insane being the operative word. You start questioning your very existence. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Is this going to keep me happy? Why are they here? Why are you here? Who are these people? Are they here for good? Will I ever be able keep my smile up? Is this really what I want to live my life for? What is wrong with me? What is not wrong with me?

...and I'd just keep the questions going....

The problem is, there are just too many answers.

And I'm not used to that. I was brought up to only appreciate the presence of dichotomous responses, and only that. It is either a yes or a no. Black or white. True or false. Right or left. Correct or wrong. Up or down. Here or there. There is no maybe, perhaps, considering that and this...The many possibilities just messes things up. Its not supposed to be like that. Its supposed to be plain and simple.

Love and hate.

Simple isn't it?

NOT.

I can't tell the difference anymore no thanks to the abundance of possibilities.

I'm tired.

Pretty bummed.

2009-10-31T21:01:00.002+08:00

I thought that the Construction Industry was where blatantly rude people who are devoid of any basic manners converge. I was so wrong...

How can anyone in the right frame of mind be swinging unjustified attacks one moment and then smiling at you by the time the minute ends? How can anyone be so paranoid about everything around her and then come into class hurling accusations that again, are unjustified? I didn't think I'd be in NIE to be scolded till my ears bleed. Hell, I didn't know I had an attitude problem until like yesterday, ha...and I wasn't there early enough to hear it for myself. Perhaps my punctuality is an issue, but its not like I am perpetually late. I should have just puked my heart out in class, maybe then it would drive my point, why exactly I was late. Took a fucking cab to school for Christ' sake! I should have just reported sick. Fuck! I don't fucking get it. I have a presentation this coming Friday and I know for sure I'm gonna get hell from this thing. I don't even know if I should post this up. Coz perhaps she may stumble upon it and use it against me. Nah, she can just hurl accusation and fry me with it. I'm done for with or without this post, so screw it. Where was I? Yes, blatant embarrassment. Every damn class was marred by a grueling shot of tongue-lashing. I am tired. My passion for teaching has been doused on by her. I didn't fucking sign up for this shit!

This fucking sucks.

I can't think properly cause her mug-shot so perpetually infiltrates my head. It sucks. Of all the faces in the world it had to be hers, that keep reappearing at the most inconvenient times.

Ayudarme...

My greatest fear of all is that I'd explode and regret whatever it is that comes after...
Help me oh god, let this anger in me subside for if it is let loose I may not be able to control its wrath. Help me. Please.

Never imagined this...

2009-10-28T00:56:00.002+08:00

My head is throbbing and so is my heart. Not in a good way.

How can you mend a broken heart?

I speak in all its literal sense. It hurts. I need a vacation. I need a major vacation that requires me to gyrate mindlessly to the unmelodious thumpings of the electronic beats. Fast losing my sanity.

*crys out to the sleeping gods in heaven*
Ayudarme!

Such Injustice

2009-10-25T12:40:00.000+08:00

I feel entirely deprived. The reigns to MY life are held my them...The muthafuckers who made a mistake bringing me out here. Oh how I wish I could turn back time and not be churned out into this horrid place they call the world. Oppression and sheer control.

Should I end it?

Knock knock?

2009-10-17T12:18:00.002+08:00

It feels empty, again. The all too familiar feeling.

Tension babe.

2009-10-15T21:01:00.001+08:00

Writing a reflection on Mathematics Problem SOlving. It took me a good hour and a whole lot of staring through my screen before I could actually spit out a word or two to get the damn thing started.And that was pretty much how it went. A word or two every hour. Thats rate right? *rolls eyes*

Whatever.

Sometimes, when time seems to come to a standstill and everything around me starts pretending to stop, I'd question myself, wait I'd 'NG' myself and wonder if I'd done myself a favour or is this really the first step to damnation.

Stress got the best of me. I finally got to shaving the right side of my head. Ha!

Take that!

Sudden whoosh of inexplicable emotions.

2009-10-11T00:29:00.003+08:00

I wanna do so many things right now. One of it is to not merely deactivate my facebook account, really, I just wanna shut it down and dispose it off. I need a can of redbull. I want to climb to the top of the esplanade and scream my lungs out. Hell, I wanna curse at that damn Merlion from up there till it churns out blood instead, or sewage water. Whatever works. I wanna pretend that everyone can be screwed and unscrewed. And that marriage is just a fashion fad. It'll fade off after the wedding gown comes off and that it is just an excuse for people to get cheap deals for luxury travel. I wanna pretend that the world is a happy place and that kids still run down the streets with a lolly between their teeth. I wanna pretend that I know what is going to happen tomorrow and that I planned it to be as perfect as it will turn out to be. I wanna pretend that I live a couple hundred of meters from the pristine blue sea and that my greatest indulgence is the liberty to skinny-dip anytime I'd like to. I'm gonna pretend that I have no assignments due next week and that the preposterous load of stress descending over me is just a figment of my imagination.

Make-believe-pretenses.

Give me that dose of happy spice please, sire.

Voila!

2009-10-08T20:51:00.001+08:00

7. Hedonist

Hedonists are energetic, optimistic and dynamic; their appearance is full of optimism and happiness. They are spontaneous and full of fantasy, but sometimes they're impulsive and naive; they avoid pain and have opposite feelings at committing. They have a lot of persuasiveness. RELATIONSHIPS: Family and friendship is very important to you. Relationships are based on pleasure. You can be a loyal, helpful and stimulating lover, if you have experienced your own priorities. It's difficult for you to have only one lover. You also can't believe anyone would want to commit with you. FIXATION: planning VICE: unlimitedness VIRTUE: sobriety PROFESSIONS: a lot of jobs at the same time; a free, unruly profession

Wanton grousing.

2009-09-30T23:41:00.006+08:00

It's that typical time of the year again...When i suddenly descend into that dark crevasse of dejection. It's like menopause or should I say cyclical menopause. It doesn't go away. Hell, the bleeding doesn't stop. Just one of those moments. I need to stop and look around. I need to breathe and smell the damn waft of coffee in the air. I stopped and looked around, only to find shadows wheezing by. I tried to breathe, but the pungent stench in the air choked me. I searched for the butterflies that usually keep the smile on my face, but they were still pupating. Whats the world coming to?

Crying Lady of Gretna Green

2009-09-27T23:55:00.001+08:00

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.

- Honore' de Balzac (1799-1850)

Happy Birthday Mummy!

------------------------------------

My rambling needs...

2009-09-25T23:00:00.004+08:00

My head is starting to throb again. That ominous throb. So symptomatic of what gloominess that's lying ahead. I realised how my stomach could growl so startlingly loud at the oddest time of the day. Like, in a really silent lecture hall and in the intermittent pauses of my tutorials. Buggeration.

I'm attending a church wedding on the morrow. Really excited. I think I'm gonna shed some tear though. Hell, I know I'm gonna bawl at some point. Marriages tug at my heartstrings. So do childbirths and birthdays and deaths and departures and arrivals and unions and separations and...ok i should stop.

Sucker for romance.

Ok, my mind's blocked.

I'm out.

2009-09-23T00:48:00.000+08:00

Create a concept map of a unit with at least 15 linked concepts. Hand in your concept map the next tutorial.

Where do i even start?

Eid Mubarak!

2009-09-22T00:49:00.004+08:00

Not in the mood for words now, am I? Heh. The family.

My favourite. The scent of the past lingers. Can you smell that? Inspired by one of them old school photos I spotted in Mummy's album.

Happy Eid everyone! We can now chomp like there's no tomorrow!

2009-09-17T21:47:00.001+08:00

Now, this is what I'm talking about. Ain't it just sweet? SPG dream boy indeed. He code-switches like nobody's business sial! I loike.

My 345th Post.

2009-09-14T00:22:00.004+08:00

This is why I say we should repeal 377A. If we do just that, we can have a scene like this taken at the rocky shores of Pulau Ubin. Hot, sweaty, gay lads with chiselled torso, bearing the Gay Pride flag. Its like realizing my deepest orgasmic fantasy! My glasshouse can then be given a place in reality. Well, Pulau Ubin isn't too bad a start aye. Maybe after they get that flag erected, they can get other things erected too.

Oh thrash, I think its the hour!

I'm no fun anymore.

2009-09-13T17:05:00.003+08:00

I've lost my mojo. I used to be fun, now I'm just a severe brooder with frown lines that are deepening as the weeks pass. I've forgotten how it feels to laugh till my tummy aches. I've forgotten how to laugh manically at people on the train. I've forgotten how to do work at the very last minute and still manage to smile my way back to school. I've forgotten how to fail big and still stick around just cause I could. I've forgotten how to be me!

This isn't fun at all.

I need to snap out of this wanton worry-mode that sets those pimples popping.
I need to eat chocolate like there's no tomorrow.
I need to lay at the beach and let the sun devour me.
I need to do silly things and not worry about the fucking consequences.
I need to scream at the wind.
I need to jump on my bed in my undies and let the world know I'm still alive.

I need ice cream...and friends...and love...and sisters...and...

I need a break.

Love Love Love Love Love this!

2009-09-10T06:43:00.000+08:00

Pretty half fucked.

2009-09-05T23:33:00.003+08:00

My god. I could feel my brain juices just drying up. Seriously. I've never had to read so much of those uninteresting concoction of words. Anyways, another one down, and many more to go!

Going insane.

2009-08-29T15:40:00.002+08:00

My sanity is gradually taking flight. I can feel its departure.

It doesn't help that I need to get things done with a very grouchy tummy, rumbling in the background. It fucking sucks. I know I sound like some punk-ass adolescent kid right now, but this mighty angst building up in the pit of my very deprived tummy needs to be sublimated. Breathing and counting just doesn't cut it anymore. Argh! I want to scream.

2009-08-27T21:01:00.003+08:00

My neighbour's dog is barking incessantly. It is inducing this massive headache. Its been an hour, and he hasn't stopped.

Today, I realise how inept I am, when it comes to handling a very traditional piece of pointer. No laser pointer, just the traditional extend-able metal pointer. I was supposed to read and glide the damn pointer under the words i was reading. Like how difficult could that be? Yah! I was so wrong. I have the tendency to whack the the words on the Big Book instead of gliding the pointer ever so gracefully. Oh man, its gonna be a long arduous journey out of this place I'm at.

Fasting, doesnt feel the same at all. Whats happening?

2009-08-25T23:01:00.002+08:00

My class... Despite the pressing deadlines that are storming our way, we still have time to count make believe sheep. Heh.

2009-08-18T23:58:00.002+08:00

The reading went ok. I shook, with the book in my hands, but it could have gone worse...just so glad I made it through, without much damage to my pride and sanity. I'm exhausted.

I havent felt like this in ages. Its like my body wants to move but it is devoid of any strength to do so. My eyelids weigh a tonne and there is no room for self control. I had science tutorial today....and I knew I just had too much when the innocent family tree looked like some planned attack for the next orgy rampage.

I must tahan!

I'm a recluse.

2009-08-17T23:07:00.002+08:00

School work is pounding on me. They emphasise so much on the need to reflect. I'm reflecting, now.

Tomorrow shall be my turn to read a book to the class. I have chosen to read a book called 'The Curious Garden" by Peter Browne.

Why? Well, for starters, I'm a nature lover. I thrive in the greens around me. All for sustainability and permaculture! Hence, the book. I love the fact that such an abstract notion like the detriments of urbanisation is portrayed in the book. It is chopped into bite-sized portions so children can relate to it. Liam, the red head in the book learnt to care for the little plants who were struggling to survive. The plants were made so life-like that they too could wait patiently for Liam, as he gradually built on his gardening skills. Heart warming book with a beautiful message embedded in it.

Children's literature really isn't all that dry. You guys should go read 'The Missing Piece' by Shel Silverstein. Makes my heart skip a beat. Haha.

2009-08-16T22:52:00.002+08:00

If I hope against all hope, I think it can. I'm in need of that jolt of joy. Strained.

Where did Mr Sun go?

2009-08-14T23:29:00.002+08:00

I love this picture and i heart the people in it.

School has been a drag. A serious drag. A drag I'm in no power to stop. Its long, stinky and infested with rodents. Huge, noisy, hard-staring rodents. Rodents who wouldn't go away even if you leave rat-poison around. Two weeks through and I'm already jaded. I get upset ever so easily and I instantly snap into my dreamy mode.

Fuck, Its so fucking HOT! What is up with the weather, seriously?

I digress.

My braces are off and it leaves me feeling, oddly naked. The retainers are a chore, but I wear them religiously coz they make my teeth look ultra perfect and whiter than it actually is. By the way, I failed my grammar test, so did the rest of the cohort. I am still laughing right now, as I think about it. Its really silly. They should have already expected all that, why make us sit for a test like that? Hmm I was talking about my teeth and suddenly grammar infiltrated my thoughts. Bleah.

Everyone is a hypocrite. Its inevitable. We become hypocrites out of respect, out of sheer obligation, out of blatant filial needs, sometimes just out of the blue. My hypocritical endeavors or lack of it leave me gaping for space and time so it can be let out. Thats where I come and exploit my very endearing blogsphere. I've developed into a list-addict. Shopping list, to do list, to die for list, to have list, guys to drool for list... you name it. Here's one to keep my conscience at bay...

My I would if I could list....

I want to wear toe socks with slippers.
I want to roll a socks up and stuff it in my mum's mouth.
I want to dig through the eye sockets of staring strangers.
I want to shove slow fucks out of my way.
I want to bite a piece off a bar of chocolate and leave the remaining piece back on the shelf.

We'll deal with that for now.

_-_

2009-07-08T23:01:00.001+08:00

Social distancing people! Social Bloody distancing! Oh for the love of god! Spare me...

Michael Jackson died. Now, what do I do?

Meaningless exploitations.

2009-07-01T23:21:00.004+08:00

I'm getting a whole lot of that. Meaningless. Unpromising. Raw mundanities.

Whatever.

I'm beyond all this. I really couldn't care less anymore.

I think Adrian Pang can really act and I love Red Thread. Hmm, the local acts are getting better i tell ya. Adrian's crying scene was really overwhelming as it tugs at my heartstrings. Haiz I just wanted to bawl my eyes out as I thought about how painful it must be, to silently take in the conversation one just had with the mother who longs to see you and you can't reveal yourself no matter how much you would want to embrace that woman before you. I really wanted to cry...well in such situations, i usually just give in to my tears. But when I looked up, I saw the flashing green light and realised I was on the damn bus. Can you imagine how twisted it would have been if I had actually bawled on the bus? Ha! Pathetic.

Anyways, turning 24 has brought nothing but misery. All these miseries somehow revolves around my being single for too fucking long. It suddenly dawned upon me... I don't know if I could actually kiss properly, hell I don't even know if I would ever be doing it right? At the rate I'm going, I'd probably never know how well or bad a kisser I am. I don't know what other physiological reactions do men manifest. I'm talking about reactions that were never mentioned in the pages of my romance novels. Ok perhaps some can be found in the abyss of some obsolete medical bible...but come on, I'm a mere commoner who has too much ego to want to source for such an article. I do not know what it feels like to be in the embrace of people who are not related to me. Ok, you gotta subtract my students from that equation. Do the hair at the nape stand on end when that happens? Do those sedated butterflies in my tummy really come alive in gleeful excitement? What does it feel like have another hand in mine? Heh clammy perhaps. Simple questions to many huh, but to me, the freak of nature, it's quite a challenge. A challenge I can't overcome by merely studying for it. What the fuck. I am not only deprived, I have come to a stage where there is no word whatsoever to describe my pitiful state. I am socially inept. Maybe I am autistic and my parents were never really aware of it. Geez, that's beyond sad.

Rotten as can be, no thanks to 15 minutes of contemplation on a very mundane bus ride.

If you happen to bump into this being on the road, do go up to her and tell her, "It's okay..." And then tell yourself you are doing a good deed. Your graciousness will be duly rewarded in the afterlife. Know that you have done a great service to the community or rather, the socially inept.

...and I'm still feeling like shit... guess this is what half-fucked feels like...

The Bolsheviks came marching in.

2009-06-23T11:27:00.002+08:00

The cramps are getting relentless, lasting more than 2 days. After the second hour of unabated pain, I was convinced my death was inevitable.

Alas, 3 days later, here I am, running on empty and fending off the weak remnants of their attack. Its still there, but I can sit on them. Heh.

My KL trip was...well...good enough. It could have been better, if divine specimens could be wantonly littered on the streets. But it was good, nonetheless. In that five days, I essentially had the most fun keeping records of worthy dudes whose faces I stumbled upon as we meander through the bustling retail outlets. You know, when I plot their numbers out, I actually got a bell curve! Heh. Normal distribution.

Nothing normal about NOT encountering that much yummylicious bites in my very own country. Damn all this.

I'm getting really used to the bite plate. I think I could spit in the eye of that bastard of a taxi driver and blame it on my bite plate.

Nostalgic longings.

2009-06-08T12:30:00.002+08:00

I signed, she signed, they signed we signed.

Yay. Another phase waits.

I'm having strange dreams. Dreams of the past. Of what could have happened. Of destroyed solitude. Of intimacy that goes beyond the capacity of my waking moments. Of delusions that has the same touch as reality. Of course...they are mere dreams... So why harp on it. But a part of me longs for it to manifest itself in my real world, no matter how tiny that may be. I want those things to happen but I've long deleted that mechanism of hope in me. I do not hope. I just can't, after the immense downfall that perpetually repeats itself. It's tiring, never ending and useless. I hope no more, yet I want reality to take the course of my dreams. Heh.

*from a distance*

What the hell am I mem-bebel-ing* about?

* that means rambling incessantly ;)

Wait no more.

2009-05-29T22:11:00.002+08:00

The waiting finally came to an end. Another batch of woes came gushing towards me. Sureties. I wasn't even sure what they meant before this. I needed two. There was no way I'm gonna rope in people who happen to share the same family name. I'd rather lick the ground I step on than go to them. So, I solicited the help of a couple of friends. I shall be forever grateful to them. I shall be at their disposal for as long as they need me.

Claryce and Hidayah, you shall be in my will when I get one. Till then, think of a lavish place (halal) to dine at. I owe you guys much more than that, but thats a good start.

:) I love you guys!

Tumbling and falling all over again.

2009-05-27T21:55:00.002+08:00

I have this bad unsettling feeling brewing in the pit of my tummy. Something bad is going to happen. I am not sure what exactly that may be. All i know is that there is this storm of darkness, waiting for the precise moment, to be unleashed and let loose. Destructive. Annihilating everything I started constructing. Merciless.

It is heading my way. I can smell it in the air.

Ayudarme!

Today, was weird.

2009-05-20T23:26:00.003+08:00

Walking out and into that ominously lit tunnel. Others call it the corridor leading to the classrooms. A gloomy tunnel it sure is, to me. I stumbled upon a mess of souls, participating in some incessant diatribe. So insignificant it was, as it hovers back and forth over a midget whose work did not past satisfactory. There were shrilly yells that pierced my ears and evoked certain unaccustomed reactions. I had to gnaw my lower lip to keep the arms in control. It wasn't the midget who was contributing to the din. The midget's guardian was the harbinger of that noise. Some day, you'll reap what you sow.

In order to step into the future, you need to step out of the past. That should help with the whole longing to live in the present vibe.

In batches, like cookies huh?

2009-05-18T21:05:00.004+08:00

The uncertainty is flipping me inside out. Being at the edge, day in, day out, isn't quite what i was expecting. There is only so much I can take without relinquishing my entire grasp on whats left of that thing called sanity. No one to turn to, no where to head for, for answers. What tough luck.

Flushed through by a swarm of regretful woes. Decisions that could have been better made beckon for me with heads hung low. I could have done more. Could I, really?

So this is how it feels like to be stuck in a corner with floorboards that could easily give way. Nothing to hold on to. Now I get it. I'm not after marriage, nor am I after a lucrative career. It is this intangible satisfaction that I'm ruthlessly hunting down. Sad to say, I'm not even a mile close to it. Robotic routines took me over and I'm riding on a path with no more crossroads.

It all suddenly seem so meaningless. Achievable nothings. Mindless race of the restless. Empty crusades. I refuse to use the word 'suffocating' because it under-quotes the present state i've thrown myself in. 'Pathetic would paint my picture with precise accuracy. I'm in a state of utter pathetic-ness that it saddens me to have to think about it. I wish I could just dunk my head in this murkiness, spread my hands and feign ignorance. Let the tide wash me off when it wields itself to. It's exhausting.

Hyunderella

2009-05-04T22:42:00.003+08:00

Dear god, I've never been tickled this bad in like eons.

Anyways, its been a while hasn't it? Even Sherlin has updated! Hehe. That speaks volume of my inactivity in this much becoming becoming obsolete blogsphere.

Right. Loads happened. I was sad, and then snapped into depression and then i sniffed that whiff of happy spice and i became a tad happier. I sniffed even more and ta da...I'm ecstatic. That didn't emote the feelings I was hoping it would. Darn it, I'm losing my touch.

Ok... Lets just put it this way, I'm sooo damn happy to be alive. After, for the first time in my life, I got to experience what it felt like to be moving in an opposite lane. Oh yes, fucking insane! A milestone in my life! I could pretty much still picture that very moment as it replays itself, over and over again. Something good came out of it though, apart from sweating my fats away, out of sheer fright, I'm finally fully inspired to get my own damn license. Yay. It'll be a while before I fully regain my sanity.

Haiz.

Happy swine flu everyone! Remember, if you have a bad throat and you cough a lot, stay home. If your eyes tear and you've got a runny nose, stay home. Being outside is only gonna end up with people victimising you at every cough and sniff. Wash your hands as often as you can and do stock up on that hand sanitizer thingie. It helps, especially after a quickie. ;) Together, we shall beat the swine!

I'll be back again when I locate my tongue.

Fairytale proposal I

2009-04-08T21:39:00.003+08:00

Breathless as can be. That was after all, the first full marathon I had ever been in. My entire journey was filled with the resounding question resonating in my every breath. "What was I thinking? A marathon?" Some things can only be done once. This was one of it. If he hadn't cajoled me into it, I wouldn't have barged. Sweet talker. The mere thought of his droning voice spurred me on. I had to finish the battle I impulsively started. Was it really impulsive? Or was it actually the easy sublimation of the restless heart. I could hear his heart beating as he pants effortlessly beside me. Nudging me forth when my legs slump back. Muttering those tiny words of encouragement, half of which I couldn't quite make out in the heat of the mighty morning sun. Drenched in my own torrid sweat, everything around me was a blur. His voice was no exception. In that hazy exhaustion, I could still visualise the straining physique beneath that sweat-drenched dry-fit that was spurring me on, beside me. The wonders of the human body. I smiled, knowing that exhausted or not, I am still about as female as can be. Kinky thoughts came and went, and before I even manage to realise it, I was already giving a victory shout under that damn banner with the word "Finish" flashing so boldly. Like that wasn't thrilling enough, my sweet talker fell to his knees before me. I instantly shuddered. I thought of how I must have managed to dry him out with my incessant banters all through the run. Perhaps, I must have worked him out a little too much. Poor thing.

He then looked up, his aquamarine eyes searching deep into the valleys of my soul. He reached into his sweat laden pocket and took out an all-too-familiar looking velvet-wrapped box. My heart, which was already frantically searching for air, literally came to a stop for that split second, before taking a plunge down into my loins. There I was, christened in my very own perspiration and baking under the viciously golden sun, probably looking just as medieval as Joan of Arc after her first battle. The first round of the 21-Gun salute came in, or at least, it felt just like that. The spontaneous ramble of words, a question that when answered ultimately unpaves and then repaves the roads beyond. All in that instant. The magical feeling of being wanted, needed, surrendered to and loved. The divine proposal finally manifested itself.

-----------------------------

You must be wondering, what the fuck am I talking about? hehehe. The problem here is, my deprivation of any healthy excitement has taken its toll on me. I'm going insane just living on sheer anticipation. Just waiting for OTHER people to have something to be excited about. I'm not gonna sit and do nothing. SO the least I could do is to conjure up circumstances that I could take pleasure in. *all smiles* I shall envision proposals that are genuinely inspired by my sordid dreams that I have been having lately. Sordid they sure are, considering the blatant state of my deprivation. You do not inject such romantic embraces into the dreams of someone who is so inactive when it comes to finding intimacy. Doing so just makes you mean. Tsk tsk and selfish and sadistic and plain evil. I think this little manifestation of my inner most desires is also symptomatic of the over-indulgence I have had with Boys over Flowers. Bugger huh. Haiz. They are about as divine as divine could get. I snap into asceticsm at the mere thought of those celestial forces.

I hope this eases my longing for that magical moment. It aches whenever I think about it.